5 Snacks You Can Send to the Oregon Militia Squatters

The Oregon Militia squatters need food, and here are some ideas as to what to send them.

Taking a stand against the Man is hard! Just ask the good folks of the militia that have overtaken a federal bird observatory in Burns, Oregon. They took care of so much of the “to do” list before they invaded the building — guns, clothes, cowboy hats, they were all there in their inventories. But they forgot one minor detail: food. That’s why so many put out a call for their loved ones and concerned patriots to send them food.

We here at The Political Garbage Chute don’t want any derp going hungry, so here are a list of five ideas for snack foods you can send those brave backyard commandos in Oregon.

#5. A Bucket of Lard

Let’s be real here — do you really think this would be the first time any one of a number of the militia squatters would be eating an entire bucket of lard? I’m not saying every single member of the backyard commando force is a pudgy fuckwit, and I’m not even talking shit on pudgy fuckwits as a class of people — I’m not that self-deprecating for fuck’s sake. I’m just saying that if you handed a tub of Crisco to a lot of them, they’d not even look at you twice before digging in with a fork and spoon because remember, they’re the group that thinks Michelle Obama is trying to institute Liberal Sharia Commie Law by telling their kids to put down the McNuggets for a minute and go exercise, so the “shall not be infringed” crowd would absolutely eat a bucket of pig or cow fat to get one over on those Democrats in the White House.

#4. Taco Bell

I can’t think of a better food to send those losers than the worst food on the planet. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made a run for the border many times in my youthful past, and have even been forced to chow down on it in the recent past. But still, do we really want to live in a world where we consider Taco Bell too sacrosanct to send a boat load of it to whiny, pathetic people who don’t get how the real world works? Of course we don’t.

#3. A Fishing Pole

What’s that old axiom that conservatives like the ones occupying the bird observatory like to use? “Feed a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach a man to fish and he eats the rest of his life.” Of course, like most conservative fantasy talking points, that axiom depends on the fisherman having great luck his whole life and always catching fish, every time out. Otherwise, gulp, he’d have to get help feeding himself. And since that’s something apparently only militiamen can do, let’s send them fishing poles so they aren’t massive hypocrites, shall we?

#2. Ketchup Packets

They have caloric value. Not much, but they could technically subsist on a ton of ketchup packets if we sent them out there. Don’t worry about all the sugar in ketchup; again, only libtarded “scientists” think you should limit your sugar intake. So I say we send box after box of ketchup packets to the Oregon Militia Squatters. Why waste real food on them?

#1.Nothing. Because Only Moochers and Takers Ask for Handouts, Right?

Seriously — fuck them. They have guns. They’re out in the woods. Let’s see them be the big, tough, bootstrap pulling motherfuckers they claim they are and go hunt up their own food. Why do they need a handout anyway? Isn’t that only for lazy people and Democrats? I say, let them eat whatever cake they can hunt, kill, skin, clean and eat, and the rest of us go on with our lives.

James' newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

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