Last week, Hillary Rodham Clinton officially announced to the country that she was running for President of the United States of America in next year’s election. The former Secretary of State, Senator, accomplished attorney and First Lady confirmed what many who follow American politics suspected would be the case, and the American free press immediately set out to cover her campaign in the most serious way possible; focusing on the most important subjects to the American people, and what Hillary’s stances on those subjects are. Which is exactly why the first big story of Hillary 2016 was her burrito order at Chipotle, naturally.
Not content to go just skin-deep on a subject, The Political Garbage Chute wanted to get a deeper look at Hillary Clinton’s Chipotle order, and so we contacted five political reporters from cable networks that span the political spectrum from right to left and asked them what they think the olfactory qualities of Ms. Clinton’s post-Chipotle flatulence were. So what exactly did Hillary Clinton’s farts smell like after she ate at Chipotle last week? We may never know, but these five reporters have some ideas.
John Haroldsen (MSNBC) — Clearly Madam Secretary’s farts would likely smell like a bouquet of flowers. In fact, I’d daresay her farts would smell exactly like the farts that her husband Bill had in the White House. And I’d even go one step further in saying the farts that come out of a Clinton ass are perfectly suited to bring the middle class roaring back. There’s nothing wrong with an elite ruling class that passes control over the country back and forth like a baton as long as the farts that are smelled from their asses are pure, clean, and perfect. Like the Clintons’.
Reagan Meyers (Fox News) — Some have said her farts smelled like Benghazi after Chipotle. Don’t we want to have all our questions about her Benghazi-smelling farts answered? Don’t the American people deserve those answers? I guess Fox News will continue to have to be the only outlet for those who want the most important topics covered the right way. And I mean that. The Right way. As in right-wing. GO AMERICA!
Justin Gladstone (CNN) — Umm, I don’t know. Just put me down for whatever Fox News says. Unless you think that’s wrong, and in that case put us down for what MSNBC said. Of course, that could present a problem too. So maybe we should just whip up a computer simulation of the post-Chipotle farts so we can better analyze ever single fecal particle for what it might possibly smell like? Yeah. Let’s go that route, and then we’ll send it to our Twitter Reaction segment so we can find out what @ReadyForHitlery1776 can tell us that he thinks she secretly put Vince Foster’s body in the Chipotle burrito she ate.
Willow Davis (MTV News) — I was talking to the guys from Mumford and Sons and they don’t really care about Hillary’s farts. To be honest, I don’t really care about her farts either. I just graduated with my B.A. in communications and I’m almost $100k in debt. I care about which candidate is going to help us move our economy into an era where we are creating new jobs and industries so I don’t die still owing thousands of dollars for an education that was supposed to be mutually beneficial for me and for society.
Jackson Downs (Newsmax TV) — The burrito buying at Chipotle was obviously a false flag operation meant to distract us while the real Hillary — not the body double they’ve been using since 1994 — broke into the Pentagon and erased all evidence of her participation in the plot to round up all gun owning citizens and put them in FEMA camps. Anyone who doesn’t therefore know that her farts would smell like conspiracy — which is mostly onions, garlic and vanilla yogurt — is just a sheeple and not worth my time anyway!