5 Reasons You Give a Shit What Mitt Romney Thinks About Obama’s Second Term

Mitt Romney took car elevator #16 as he came out of his gold plated bunker long enough to make remarks about President Obama’s second term thus far. For those of you who easily block out the memory of milquetoast, out of touch plutocrats, Romney is a gray-streaked vulture capitalist. He also literally embodies everything that is hated about conservative economic theory, but the Republicans actually thought was going to beat Barack Obama in last year’s presidential election. He didn’t, but that didn’t stop him from saying about the president’s second term thus far, “The extraordinary disappointment of the president’s second term is where the opportunity was greatest, he has proposed the least.” To which the president responded “What are you going to do in your second term, Mitt?”

Just kidding. The president didn’t say that. Clearly though, no one does or should give a shit what Romney thinks at this this point; we barely cared what he thought last year. However, there are some rare occasions where you might actually find yourself giving shits over Mitt, and here are five now.

#5. You’re a Bitter, Sore Loser Republican

If you were one of the special people who thought the polls were skewed, voter ID laws were written to help “ensure there was no voter fraud,” and that Romney just had that “momentum” people need to win elections, then you might actually care what Mitty says about a variety of subjects. Something tells us though, that most of those that were voting for Romney were holding their nose while doing so, choosing the “anyone but the Kenyan-Muslim-Socialist” option, so you probably really and truly don’t give a shit what Mitt thinks about anything anymore…if you ever did.

#4. You Are Missing Some Or All Of Your Short Term Memory

Hey, maybe you’re not a sycophantic right-wing ideologue. Maybe you just have no recollection of who Mitt Romney is and the name sounds like some kindly elfish creature who gives you bits of sage advice after you put a quarter into the slot on his back. We suppose if you genuinely have no clue what a useless oligarch Romney is you might perk your ears up when he starts talking about things.

#3. You Are In The One Percent

If you’ve ever rubbed elbows with Mitt while playing the back nine at an exclusive rich-guys-only  country club, then I would imagine you probably feel that Mitt’s got something to say worth listening to. After all, it was his fellow plutocrats that Romney was running to represent, so it would only make sense that they’d all still hang on every word he says. Then again, those types tend to want to hang around with winners, not privileged assholes who’ve lost nearly every election they’ve entered. Just sayin’.

#2. You Have A  “Stupid Things Republicans Say” Tumblr

Or maybe you run a political humor, satire and commentary site and you know every time the ivory tower livin’ bastard opens his mouth it’s comedy gold..

#1.  You’re Mitt Romney

Let’s just be brutally honest here, shall we? Mitt Romney won the nomination last year because he was the least freakishly insane out of the candidates left in the field once Jon Huntsman dropped out, and even he was a train wreck. Remember when he tried to get a grunge rock reference into one of the million or so primary debates the GOP held last year?

The truth is that no matter who the Republicans ran up against Obama, as long as their campaign relied heavily on outdated turnout models, campaign rhetoric that was just taking Obama’s record and twisting it, taking Obama’s words and quoting them out of context, and generally just pumping red meat lies into their base — they were going to lose and lose embarrassingly so. The 2012 election proved the existence of the Conservative Feedback Loop, where no undistorted truth can penetrate the dome of lunacy. The only one who cares at this point what Mitt thinks is Mitt, because all along that’s all anyone cared about too. That’s why Paul Ryan was his nominee — Romney was never going to be the guy setting policy and everyone knew it.


James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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