Oh sure, Moon Beam, you want to smoke your wacky-tobaccy and live off the fat of the land. And that’s just fine by us, man. But you gotta know that weed is like, way bad for you and stuff. There are reasons that we treat weed like we do cocaine and heroin, guys. But lately everyone’s been up in arms about how much money we’re supposedly wasting by not taxing and regulating instead of incarcerating like we do now. We’re here to tell you that’s hogwash! Pot laws totally make sense, and here are five reasons why!
#5. They Prevent All Those People From Smoking Pot!
Think about it. When’s the last time you were at a Tom Petty concert and smelled weed? Or when was the last time you went to an amusement park, walked into the bathroom and saw two dudes coming out of a stall with a cloud of smoke behind them? We’ve all but cured society of pot. Now if you’ll excuse me my phone is ringing and the caller ID says it’s Bill Maher calling from Willy Nelson’s house on Woody Harrelson’s property. They all live next door to Seth Rogen.
#4. They Keep the
Cartels Job Creators Rich and Happy!
By keeping pot in the black market, we can help keep business in America…by way of Mexico. Think of all the small-time business owners on the corners of the streets in America that would be out of a job if we legalized pot nationwide! Do we really want all those entrepreneurial people left to find another job? Let’s keep pot illegal and keep those profits soaring for murderers and gangsters. You know, the American Way!
#3. Marijuana Is Sent From the Devil To Enslave Us All And Make Us Vegans Who Hate Reality TV!
We knew it in the 1930’s, and it’s just as true today as it was then: pot is the Devil. End of discussion.
#2. The War on Drugs is So Cheap!
Everybody always talks about the War on Drugs being a complete and total sham, a failure, and a waste of taxpayer money. But come on! Are we really going to quibble with spending over one trillion dollars on a drug crackdown that hasn’t done anything to curb drug consumption in America? Oh, we are going to quibble over spending a trillion dollars and the only tangible result being a disproportionate number of minority arrests and incarcerations? Well, I must have missed that memo then. I apologize, Hippie!
#1. Only Losers Smoke Pot!
Look at this list of people who have smoked marijuana and you tell me if you think these are people you want to aspire to be like.
- President William Jefferson Clinton
- President Barack H. Obama
- Secretary of State John Kerry
- Vice-President Al Gore
- Benjamin Franklin
- Sir Richard Branson
- Hunter S. Thompson
- Aaron Sorkin
- Olympic Champion and All-Time Gold Medal Record Holder Michael Phelps
- Michael Bloomberg
- Stephen King
- Arnold Schwarzenegger
- Natalie Portman
- Whoopi Goldberg
- Brad Pitt
- Morgan Freeman
- James Franco
- Justin Timberlake
- John Lennon
- Paul McCartney
- George Harrison
- Ringo Starr
- Bob Dylan
- Jack Black
- Seth Rogen
- Bill Maher
- Tommy Chong
And have any of those people actually had any kind of success in life? We rest our case.