I am just about 100% sure that Ted Cruz’s dick smells like those fried pies you can buy from Hostess. You know, the ones that are lemon, cherry, chocolate, or whatever filled and baked like a little calzone of sweet, diabetic goodness? Yeah, I’m pretty sure Senator Ted Cruz’s dick smells like those.

Because he fucks them.

How do I know he fucks fried snack pies? Here are five reasons, to start.

#1.Because no one that smug, pious, or given over to morality-based judgment isn’t skewed in some way

I feel like him being closeted is just too cliche even for Cruz, and no woman would be sane enough to let him do depraved things to her. He’s got a kink in him somewhere, there’s no denying that. And look, I don’t want to generalize because we always talk about how conservatives generalize about poor people, immigrants, and minorities, but let’s be real here — how many upstanding, buttoned-up religious conservatives have been caught in a tawdry, salacious sex scandal just in the last decade alone? Sorry, but the “thou doth protest too much” crowd is almost always hiding something, and for Teddy it’s fucking Hostess pies.

#2. That one time he did a press conference with a ring of pie filling around his dick

Did this actually happen? Of course not. But I’ve been writing so much made-up nonsense to mock these buffoons that it just sort of comes naturally. I make no ap0logies.

#3. Obama once told him that fucking fried snack pies is something he shouldn’t do

If Obama’s for it, Cruz is against it. Take Obamacare, Cruz’s biggest rhetorical spear he jabs into his Half-White Whale, Obama. That law is basically a beefed-up version of the law that Republican governor Mitt Romney signed into law when he was the chief executive of the State of Massachusetts. The Heritage Foundation came up with the core idea for Obamacare back in the 1990’s. It’s about as far from single payer coverage as you can get, and yet Cruz shits on it at every turn. So I’m positive that if Obama told him fucking fruit pies was bad, Ted would buy them by the truckload and defile those things until the cows came home.

#4. They didn’t call him “Pie Fucking Cruz” in college because he didn’t like to fuck fruit pies

You know how you pick up nicknames from your friends in your college years? Well, Cruz’s love of fucking fried pies is so legendary because back at Harvard his first roommate walked in on him fucking a Hostess lemon pie. After he’d “finished,” Cruz told his roommate that he was “unashamed” of his love and that he’d “one day be so powerful” he could “force everyone in America to fuck a fruit pie by executive order.” Did this happen? Of course not, but see #2.

#5. Oh, you’ve made it this far into this list, huh?

Truthfully this was pretty much a single joke headline I thought of, and just wanted to publish the story based on that. So for this last item, how about I just give you the dumbest Ted Cruz quote I could find? Ready? Here you go!

“If you look at other nations that have gone down the road towards gay marriage, that’s the next step of where it gets enforced. It gets enforced against Christian pastors who decline to perform gay marriages, who speak out and preach biblical truths on marriage, that has been defined elsewhere as hate speech, as inconsistent with the enlightened view of government.” – Senator Ted Cruz