Attention scientists, inventors and innovators: STOP!
Marco Rubio says you’re no longer needed. At CPAC 2013 during his speech, the Republicans Senator from Florida told the gathered mass of conservatives there to hear him and the other “All-Stars” of the right, “We don’t need a new idea. There is an idea: the idea is called America, and it still works.” Sure, on the face of it, that rhetoric is the exact kind of vague, nationalistic, meaningless tripe that conservatives have been passing as actual political policy for decades. Sure, you could say it’s proof the GOP has no intention of learning from its ass-kicking last year.
But what if Marco Rubio’s right? We here at The Chute found a few more problems whose solution is the surprisingly simplistic, “America!” and here they are.
#5. 1+ 1 =?
In public schools (read: Liberal Indoctrination Centers), they teach “math.” But that’s part of the problem America faces. Or at least that’s the problem Republicans face when trying to convince people that the math in their economic plans adds up (it doesn’t). We all know the real answer to this most simple of math equations is, “AMERICA!” And that’s the answer to every math equation ever. “Two trains leave Portland, one at 80 mph, the other at 90 mph, who gets to Los Angeles first?”
THE TRAIN THAT’S IN AMERICA, YOU DUMB LIBERAL! Oh, Portland’s in America? FUCK YOU HIPPIE! I DON’T NEED A MAP!
#4. Global Warming/Climate Change
This is in no way an admission that the climate is changing and/or that mankind has anything to do with it, but hypothetically if there was some kind of global climate change going on that we have documented evidence of, then we all know how to fix it. A heaping helping of the greatest country Jesus ever spoke about, AMERICA! That’s right, all we have to do is send up one of our America Candles up into the air with a big ol’ clod good ol’ fashioned Texan dirt mixed with the blood of twenty, God-fearing patriots, and the holes in the Ozone will close, global temps will stabilize, and all extinct species will again roam the Earth. All thanks to AMERICA. You’re obviously very welcome.
Mortality’s a drag. Whether you believe in God and Heaven (YAY YOU!) or not (BOO SATAN!), no one really wants to die, at least not while there’s still “Top Chef” and full-frontal nudity to enjoy here in the realm of the living. But believe it or not, there’s already a cure for death, and that cure is called AMERICA! Think about it, what do you think of when you think of death? America? What, are you crazy? Oh, yeah. Wars.
#2. That WTF-Tastic “Seinfeld” Series Finale
For nine seasons Jerry, Elaine, Kramer and George entertained us with both biting wit and super-silly fluff comedy. “Senfeld” was a great show for a long time. And then they shot and aired their last episode. It was so terrible, so hackneyed, that it nearly destroyed nine years of prior work. I’m not even sure if this is possible, but why can’t we use some AMERICA on the problem and just wipe the last episode from existence?
#1. World Hunger/AIDS/Cancer/Housing Shortage/Everything
In all seriousness, why can’t America solve more of the world’s problems? We remain to this day the most rich and powerful nation in the world, even with our supposed debt crisis that Paul Ryan and John Boehner are now admitting isn’t really a debt crisis. We spend more than the next thirteen countries combined on our defense budget. That’s a lot of money for bullets, guns, bombs, and jet fighters (some of which apparently are having a hard time actually getting off the ground). Imagine if we decided to use that considerable economic force to really work to solve actual problems in the real world. Perhaps if we’d done that all along in places like the Middle East, instead of overthrowing leaders we didn’t like and installing puppet dictators in their place, there wouldn’t be quite so much hostility towards AMERICA. But who need humanity when you can just bomb the fuck out of anyone who gets in your way instead?