It’s everyone’s favorite time of year: NEW POPE TIME!
That’s right, it’s time for one of the world’s longest standing religious organizations to pick a new supreme leader. So who should the cardinals meeting in the Vatican pick as the retiring pope’s successor? You may not think so, but The Political Garbage Chute is the best place to find answers. We’d like to nominate any one, if not all five, of these lovely, lovely people.
#5. Rick Santorum
Talk about killing two birds with one stone. We all know that what Santorum really wants is to be able to tell adults what they can or can’t do with their genitalia. Sure, he ran for the presidency in 2012. But something tells me that being the Leader of the Free World wouldn’t be enough power for Rick. He’s got to be able to be the arbiter of what’s sin and what’s in. He’s got to be able to condemn people to Hell for exercising their sexuality. And no other position would give him that power except the papacy. Well, technically if he sat at the right hand of God he might get the same thing done, but even Santorum isn’t that bold.
But that’s a good back-up position should he not be named the next pope.
#4. Mitt Romney
He’s already spent a considerable time in the Mormon church as one of its elders, so holding court as the Pope wouldn’t be too far a stretch. Mitt’s also got plenty of experience shielding shit-tons of money from the prying eyes of the tax man. The only people who hide more money from the government are churches. Plus, just imagine how rich the Vatican will be when Mitt gets to outsource all the Holy Water production to China! And boy, if there’s anyone who can hide something from the prying eyes of the press, it’s Mitt Romney. He managed to keep his tax returns secret despite repeated requests from the media, his opponents, and even his own party members. So hiding a few pedophile priests shouldn’t be too hard for ol’ Mittens.
#3. Sarah Palin
I just want her gone. Every time someone says, “If we just ignore her she’ll go away,” the very next day she’s in the presses. The fact is that as much as most Americans may want and need her to be gone from the national political stage, she’s not going anywhere. She’s not going anywhere because conservatives keep bringing her into the mix. Fox News actually had the smarts to cut her loose, and then seemingly the next day she was announced to appear at CPAC, the conservative Woodstock that’s held every year (Don’t eat the brown M&M’s, man).
Sure, the chances of a female becoming the next pope are nil. Sure, even people who genuinely believe that a virgin could conceive, carry and birth a child won’t believe that Palin is smart enough to run a newspaper stand, much less their entire church. But at least Sarah wouldn’t be bringing down the average IQ stateside anymore. And isn’t that enough for anyone to feel good about their lives?
#2. Donald Trump
He already thinks he’s the closest thing to God on the planet, and if he became the new pope at least that ugly, dead, decaying fucking fox on his head would get covered up by a big hat. It’s a win-win. Maybe there’s some risk in putting Donald Trump in charge of your brand. After all, the man has bankrupted his own companies four times. But if there’s any organization that could use a little bankrupting, maybe it’s the one that has systematically hidden child abusers for decades, so let the good times roll, eh Donny?
#1. Anybody Who Will Stop Hiding Child Molesters
In case you couldn’t tell by now, I’m not really stoked on the fact the Catholic Church has been a well-documented shelter for those who perpetrate acts of sexual abuse on children. Now, I used to think that hurting kids was the worst thing one could do. But apparently not. Apparently in the world we live in today if you have enough money and are a group that is supposedly “doing God’s work” on Earth, you have carte blanche to do whatever-the-fuck-you-want.
I’m not saying that call Catholics all over the planet are equally culpable for the crimes committed in their houses of worship. I’m not saying that every single member of the Catholic faith should serve jail time for the atrocities committed by their priests, cardinals and deacons. I am suggesting that the time has come to stop being complicit. The time has come to stop tacitly approving of hiding sexual abusers from the authorities. But perhaps instead I should just close with a question.
If the Catholic church had been covering up murders instead of sexual abuse for decades, do you think ANYONE would be talking about who they choose as their new pope?