5 Other Things That Reagan Did (According to Rep. Steve King)

Years and years from now historians will point and laugh at us. They’ll see a group of hyper-right-wing morons who went to Washington ostensibly to “fix” it and wound up with “impeding progress,” and “idiotic conspiracy theories” as their main contribution to history. Tea Bagger extraordinaire Rep. Steve King (R-IA) will be one that historians laugh hardest at. The idiot’s latest idiocies go something like this:

President Ronald Reagan’s 1986 immigration reform bill (referred to derisively by the right as “amnesty”) handed the 2008 and 2012 presidential elections to Barack Obama.

Huh? What does that mean?

It means that the racist piece of shit Congressman from Iowa is insinuating that since Reagan’s bill gave three million new green cards to immigrants in the country illegally, those immigrants wound up voting for or raising families that voted for Barack Obama. Racist McGee is right about the fact that Latino voters were among the several blocs of voters that helped made McCain’s and  Mitt’s dominance of the white guy vote irrelevant. However, what Klansman King is missing is that there were about 30 years’ worth of time between then and now, and if Republicans had spent even half that time not making Latinos and Hispanics out to be dirty, brown, job stealing bastards, his party may have actually held onto the modest number of votes they used to be able to count on from that community.

As it turns out though, King The Uber-Racist Fuckstick has a few other theories on how Reagan’s policies helped shape the future, and here are the five best we found on a sheet of paper, scribbled in purple crayon, outside of the ignorant twit’s congressional office.

#5. Embracing Reaganomics Made Republicans Stupid Because It Ignores Basic Math

Oh wait, sorry. That’s what everyone outside the Republican Sphere of Stupidity thinks about Reaganomics.

#4. Ronald Reagan Had the Original Idea for American Idol

Except it wasn’t a singing competition/reality show. Reagan’s idea for a TV show involved one team taking embargoed weapons and selling them to a country that we know sponsors terrorism so that they could turn around and use the money from the arms sales to fund an illegal war in a Latin-American country. The show would be called “American Matinee Idol Starts an Illegal War, Covers It Up, Gets Embroiled in Scandal, And Republicans Conveniently Forget All About It So They Can Call The Next Two Democratic Presidents ‘The Most Scandalous Presidents of All Time’.” The title was admittedly too long, so they scrapped it. But boy, that would’ve been a fun one to watch, huh?

#3. Reagan Made The LGBT Community Hate Republicans

Actually, this one is totally true and again not King’s hypothesis. Turns out you can’t ignore the existence of AIDS while hundreds are dying from it, then try to categorize solely as a “gay disease” without some major ramifications at the ballot box. Oh, and then there’s that whole “denial of a basic human right” thing that modern day Republicans are all about, so they’re not really doing themselves any favors to begin with, are they?

#2. President Ronald Reagan Taught LeBron James How To Shoot a Jumper

A very young Labron James visited the White House in 1988, the final year in office for St. Ronald. The Gipper went down the court to show young Labron how to shoot an outside jumper. Actually, sorry, double-checking the history books, it appears King was confusing “Taught Labron James How to Play Basketball” with “killed the working class by being anti-union and turning the tax code on its ear to get money flowing back up to the top of the chain.”

#1. Ronaldus Z. Reagan I, PhD Literally Shit Ice Cream

It’s a little known fact, but the reason that so many Republicans are in love with the Dodderer in Chief is that he was perfect. Literally perfect in every single way. He wasn’t the puppet of the CIA and the Pentagon like all the facts seem to say he was. No! Reagan was amazing! He ran three minute miles, could sew a quilt together in under a day, and he literally shit ice cream. Any time ol’ Nancy wanted a scoop of mint chocolate chip, she’d sidle up to Ronnie and let him take care of the rest. Ronald Reagan literally never did anything wrong. He was perfect, a saint, a cherubic wrinkly old grandpa who most definitely didn’t try to get an illegal war going, and most definitely didn’t ruin economic models for decades. He was basically Jesus Christ without the pesky cross, is what we’re getting at.