Over the weekend, Mitt Romney gave his first interview to the media after getting his ass handed to him in the presidential election last year. It was done on Fox News so the questions were softballs and the answers could be as whiny and full of excuses as possible. Mitt’s wife, Her Royal Highness The Dutchess of Mormanistan, Ann Romney, made no bones about blaming everything on the media. Because you know, it couldn’t possibly be that she and her husband represented the rise of oligarchy, two plutocrats with dancing horses and car garages that no average American has that made Mitt seem unable to relate to us, right? And it couldn’t be that Mitt was caught on tape slagging off half the country as free-loading hippie miscreants, right? No, to Her Royal Cold-Bloodedness, it was all the media’s fault.
One other fascinating detail to come out of the interview was that Mitt really thought he had a chance to win the election. Despite none of the actual numbers and polling being such that it could legitimately buoy Mittens’ hopes, apparently right up until about 9:00 PM on election night Romney thought he had this thing in the bag. He didn’t. Of course. But as it turns out, there was a ton edited out of that interview, and apparently Mitt’s might spend a bit too much time in the Caymans or some other undisclosed, rich-guys only island where he stashes a few million from time to time, because there’s a ton of stuff we all know, that Mitt has no clue about.
And here are five of the things the rest of America knew before Mitt Romney knew them.
#5. Breaking A Ten-Thousand Dollar Bill Is Not Possible at “Jack in the Box”
For any of us who have had to frequent a fast food place or two in our lives, we know firsthand that most places won’t break a bill over a $20. But the last time Mitt held a $20 in his hand was when he’d eaten too much spicy food (which I believe for a white, senior citizen Mormon is technically milk and white bread) and he found himself in a bathroom that was not equipped with his special forty-ply toilet paper that is only available to upper-echelon tax dodging plutocrats. So when he tried to buy himself a Jumbo Jack with cheese with the other week, he was devastated to find they couldn’t break his $10,000 bill.
#4. You Can’t Roll Down The Windows on a Jet
No. Really. This one’s actually true. The rest of the country apparently knew you don’t roll down windows on jet airliners. Mitty? Not so much. In what was really a gaffe-laden general election run, Mitt made one of his best blunders ever when he quipped about how tragic it is that windows on jets can’t be rolled down. To be fair to Mittens though, he might have been a bit shaken up. His beloved wife, Her Royal Better-Than-Us-Ness had been on a plane when it had an electrical fire and had to be landed. So Mitt’s quip was centered around the fact that those on board The Douche Goose couldn’t have just rolled down a window to let the smoke out of the cabin; but when you’re already gaining a reputation for saying really stupid things out loud during your presidential campaign, you have to be really careful what you do or don’t say. Inferring that you might not know about cabin pressurization and the like doesn’t inspire much confidence, after all.
#3. Women Are Great Within Or Outside of Binders
This one may fall under the category of “Shit Republicans In General Don’t Know.” But if there’s one thing that’s acutely obvious, it’s that Mitt really had no clue how to appeal to women. He was so unaware of their prowess in leadership roles that he’d met none he found good enough to appoint to his cabinet as the Massachusetts governor. And so he relayed the story during one of the debates of needing to send out for binders of women, which as it turns out even that wasn’t entirely true — the company that compiled the female cabinet candidates approached him, not that other way around. Romney and the Republicans just don’t get it. It’s not about optics or even the message. It’s about whether or not conservatives believe women are just as good at leading, that they are truly equal to men in every single way. You can’t shine a turd, and that’s precisely what the GOP’s views on women are, a massive turd.
#2. The “Star Wars” Prequels Were Complete and Total Shit
I have zero evidence to back this up, but I just get the feeling that Mitt probably could be seen coming out of “Attack of the Clones” clutching his popcorn and smiling to Ann as he said, “Wow! That Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman sure did have great chemistry! And boy, that story wasn’t clunky at all!” Also: Fuck the Prequels. That one was just purely for me.
#1. Mitt Romney Is A Rich, Entitled, Arrogant Douchebag
I don’t want to demagogue Mitt any more than I have to. God knows I did enough ripping this skunk-haired bastard during the election. But it seems to me like people are already trying to white-wash over what a pretty terrible human being Mitt Romney proved to be. Think I’m being too harsh? Well, let’s just put a few bullet points together, and you tell me whether you think Romney’s the biggest asshole to run for the presidency in at least three generations.
- Bullied kids, most notably a gay kid growing up
- Went on a simple overseas trip during the summer and managed to insult people in every single country he visited
- Never released more than two years’ worth of tax returns despite pleas from his own party to do so
- Paid a lower tax rate (in the years he actually paid taxes, God only knows what’s in the returns he wouldn’t release) than most of the middle class
- Was caught on tape calling nearly half of the country moochers, while hiding millions after millions in accounts that the IRS can’t touch
- Lied about whether President Obama called the Benghazi attack a terrorist attack
- Lied about Jeep moving to China
- Lied about President Obama starting his presidency on an apology tour across the globe (repeatedly)
- Lied about pretty much everything he ever said about President Obama
- Made a quip about his birth certificate in Michigan — a clear nod to the racists birthers in his party
- Got rich buying struggling companies, loading them down with debt, taking enormous consultancy fees and then leaving the taxpayers to cover the under-funded pensions of the companies he’d just bought and tanked
- Actually called “self-deportation” a good strategy for dealing with immigration
- Created and implemented Obamacare before it was called Obamacare; campaigned against Obamacare
- Campaigned on a platform of lowering taxes on the rich
- Picked Paul Ryan as his VP candidate
- Got cozy with and took donations from Donald Trump and Sheldon Adelson
Now, with that list of transgressions, and it’s quite truncated, how can we call Mitt Romney anything but a rich, entitled, arrogant douchebag? The answer? You can’t.