5 Other Things About Hispanics That Jason Richwine Tried To Get Into the Heritage Foundation Report on Immigration

Well, we all saw this one coming didn’t we? It looks like some conservatives didn’t get the memo after 2012, despite the demographics showing a need for immediate and lasting change in their platform and rhetoric.

After The Heritage Foundation’s extremely controversial report on immigration was exposed as having been co-written by Jason Richwine, an outright racist, and now that racist has tendered his racist resignation. It turns out you can’t have the racist opinion that Hispanics are inherently less intelligent than white folk and not get your shit called out loudly and publicly anymore.

We here at The Chute are a little saddened by Richwine’s departure from the Heritage Foundation. Oh, not because we agree with his idiotic and racist ideas, but because some of his best racist notions about Hispanics didn’t make it into the actual report. Here now are five things that The Political Garbage Chute has exclusive knowledge of Richwine wanting to include in the Heritage report on immigration, but were left out because he ran out of toner in his printer.

#5. It Takes Hispanics Longer To Say Words With Lots of “R”s In Them

Latinos and Hispanics tend to “roll” their “r” sounds when speaking in their native tongue. The extra time it takes to pronounce that syllable is time wasted by the other person in the conversation. Imagine if a Latino person is standing in line at a grocery store and needs to ask for a pack of Rolos or some Rembrandt tooth paste? They’d hold up everyone else behind them by at least a couple milliseconds, thereby throwing off everyone’s day by those few milliseconds, and the fiscal impact of those rolled “r” sounds has been estimated by Richwine to cost Americans approximately $234 billion a year.

#4. The Death of the Grilled Cheese Sandwich

Average Americans like their melted cheese food products to be bread based. Two slices of bread framing melted AMERICAN (fuck yeah!) cheese is a God given right bestowed upon us by our Founders. However, Latinos and Hispanics have their own version of metled cheesey goodness, and they call it a “quesadilla.” Say goodbye to two slices of bread and hello to one single tortilla. See? Already we’re giving up something if we let them come in — they’re costing us all those slices of breat that will no longer be necessary once their pervasive quesadilla takes root and forces all the God fearing grilled cheese eaters out into the cold.

#3. Hispanic People Don’t Believe In God

As far as Richwine’s research could produce, there was no evidence that any Hispanic person believe in a God at all. Despite rampant rumors of there being a very strong Catholic contingent among them, all Richwine’s study could produce is the fact that they pray to something called “DIOS” which he was fairly certain is the new Apple operating system shipping on their new iPad Minis.

#2. Hispanic People Actually Like The Twilight Films

Citing absolutely no scientific evidence to back his claim up, Richwine wanted to put into the study his assertion that Hispanic people and Latinos can’t be trusted because of how much they love the “Twilight” movies. Richwine is convinced that. Why? We don’t really know.

#1. The Spanish Language Is Secret Al Qaeda Code

Richwine was fairly certain he’d proved a link between Al Qaeda and every single immigrant of Latino or Hispanic descent. His exact methodology was a little complicated, but let me see if I can describe it a little for you. First, he’d buy some crack cocaine. Next, Richwine would smoke that crack cocaine. Finally, he’d turn on his laptop and start typing whatever popped into his crack-addled brain about Latino people, like you know, they have lower IQs and stuff, and the last step is to email his racist tripe to the idiots at the Heritage Foundation for inclusion in their transparently political bullshit extravaganza of a report.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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