5 Other Patriotic Things Donald Trump Could Pay For

In response to some prodding from Newt Gingrich via Twitter — wait. So political has-beens and has-been has-beens are are going to be fondling each other over tweets now? 140-characters of pure “who gives a fuck” delivered right to your Twitter stream. Anyway, Newt’s tweet was a cute little reference to the White House canceling their tours. Apparently this is something conservatives feel is akin to slapping the Statue of Liberty in the ass with a fish and insulting her mother.

Trump jokingly — and really I mean “douch-ally replied” — that he’d not heard this yet (sure Donald, this wasn’t a planned stunt at all) but was delighted and said he was willing to do it. Word came down from the Obama camp though, that The Donald’s services would not be required, so here are five other patriotic things The Trump could spend his money sponsoring.

#5. A Cone Of Silence For Michele Bachmann

If you were looking for a sign that the Republicans were going to stubbornly ignore the results of the 2012 election season, you’d have to look no further than Rep. Bachmann. In the very first order of business for the 113th Congress, she introduced a bill to repeal Obamacare…symbolically…for the 34th time. Bachmann is the walking embodiment of everything that’s wrong with the GOP and with Congress in general. She’s made idiotic comment after idiotic comment, and when on on McCarthy-like crusade against a long-time aide of Former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton because she happened to have Islamic family. Bachmann is a Tea Party fool and if Donald Trump wanted to do the world a favor, he’d pay whatever it took to have a permanent cone of silence installed over her head, following her where ever she pops up next, like a fundamentalist gopher, digging holes in our country’s infrastructure and social safety net.

#4. Clone Ayn Rand

It seems like all the rage these days is for Republicans to hero-worship Ayn Rand — the political powerhouse who teaches young conservative men to hate the poor and love the rich. Rand’s book, “Atlas Shrugged,” is a policy bible for the likes of Rand Paul (whose crazy, racist father Ron named after the author) and Paul Ryan. For the rest of us, Rand and her work are the building blocks of a sociopath’s disregard for those who are less fortunate. If you want to know where “makers” and “takers” comes from, it’s the love of Rand. So maybe Trump should just do his conservative pals a favor, find a tea cup or a fork she used, scrape some DNA off of it, rush it to some lab somewhere and have her cloned. Imagine the favors he’ll be able to call in after hand-delivering their messiah to the Tea Partiers in Congress!

#3. Re-paint the Rotunda In Sparkly Paint

Why not? Things have been so down and dreary in Washington for at least the last four years. So in the spirit of Spring and renewal, let’s have Donald slap a fresh coat of super sparkly paint over the rotunda dome. I’m thinking bright lavender and gold. Or perhaps candy apple red? Better yet! Let’s have it painted in gorgeous red, white and blue sparkly paint. And maybe he can install fireworks cannons on the top that shoot off special shells that when they explode they spell out “America Is Better Than Every Other Country, So Fuck You Other Countries!” every fifteen minutes.

#2. The Ronald Reagan Memorial

Don’t you think St. Reagan’s been dead long enough without some kind of fitting tribute in Wasington, D.C.? Frankly, we should probably just tear down that pointy dildo shaped one — whoever it is that’s supposed to memorialize — and put up another dildo shaped monument, but this time with the head of Ronald Reagan at the tip. Because that’s what he did to our country’s economic tenets. He fucked them. With a smile on his face, he fucked us. Trump is the perfect person to pay for that monument, too, considering he’s reaped the benefits of 30-plus years of economic policy bent and shaped in his favor. Time for him to pay it forward by erecting a massive stone dildo with Ronald Reagan’s head on top. Duh.

#1. One Way Ticket To Anywhere Without Internet or Phone Service…Or A Way To Get Home

In all reality, this is the option we think that would most help the country — if Donald Trump just packed up and left. He’s not providing anything useful to society. Sure, his companies employ probably hundreds of people. But can we honestly say those peoples’ lives won’t be better off if their boss is on an extended vacation? He’s become a Birther, to boot. He used to be reliable for a decent funny sound byte every now and again, but all this sad, orange faced, tribble-haired asshole can do now is just spout useless lies about Obama’s place of birth and demagogue Democratic fiscal policies — despite their proven track record of success.