5 Other Monumentally Stupid Things The Federal Drug Agency Wants Us To Believe About Pot

The Federal Drug Agency has released the following statement in response to the growing sentiment that pot is no more harmful than booze and that we need a drastic change in how we treat marijuana in this country:

“Claiming that marijuana is less toxic than alcohol cannot be substantiated since each possesses their own unique set of risks and consequences for a given individual.”

Yes, this statement is monumentally stupid. This isn’t 1940 anymore, but apparently no one in the Federal Drug Agency has gotten the memo, because we here at the Chute were sent a clandestine telegram with five more additional points that Federal Drug Agency will make about pot in the next few weeks, in their campaign dubbed “Get America Off The Pot.”

#5. Approximately 80,000 Deaths Per Year Attributable To Excessive Pot Use Every Year

Oh wait, sorry, according to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), that’s actually alcohol that causes that many deaths per year.

#4. Marijuana Is The Third Leading Lifestyle-Related Cause of Death in The U.S.

Shit. Sorry. That’s alcohol again, according to the CDC.

#3.In 2006, There Were More Than 1.2 Million ER Visits and 2.7 Million Doctor’s Office Visits Related to Excessive Pot Smoking

Goddamnit! This one is booze too! Aren’t there any facts about pot out there that aren’t actually about alcohol?!

#2. Between 2000-2004 Smoking Pot Cost The U.S. Almost $200 Billion

Oh holy shit. This one, according to the CDC is about smoking cigarettes. Well, this one’s not going at all like the Federal Drug Agency thought it would, is it?

#1. Pot Gives You AIDS As Soon As You Even Think About Smoking It

Finally! A statistic about substance abuse that isn’t about smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol. We have to imagine that if kids believe they’ll instantly get AIDS just by even considering a toke, that will do wonders to keep kids off pot. Of course, it’s a completely untrue and wholly ridiculous notion to claim that thinking about pot, let alone smoking it gives you AIDS. But then again we could say the same thing about claiming that we don’t know for sure that pot is no more dangerous that booze or cigarettes. So there’s that.