5 Other Benghazi Distractions

Senator Ted Cruz is kind of amazing. Every time he opens his mouth people like me — who derive much of their creative output from mocking politicians who say dumb things — get up on the edge of our seat. We just know that some profoundly one-sided, ideologically entrenched insanity is going to float from his brain goo down into his mouth, where it will give us plenty of material. This past weekend was no except when he appeared on “This Week” and said some pretty fantastic stuff…if by “fantastic” you mean “Islamaphobic” or “right-wing conspiracy bullshit-tastic,” that is.

“One of the problems with all of the focus on Syria is it’s missing the ball from what we should be focused on, which is the grave threat from radical Islamic terrorism,” Cruz belched out on ABC on Sunday. Because you know, we’re all more concerned about Islamic fundamentalists killing us than we are with Christian fundamentalists ruining our educational system and distorting the tax code even further for their rich cohorts. My favorite bit though, was when Cruz implied that Syria is a distraction from Benghazi.

Ah, Benghazi. The conspiracy theory that keeps on giving. “You don’t hear the president mention Benghazi. Now it’s a ‘phony scandal.’ We ought to be defending U.S. national security and going after radical Islamic terrorists.” Cruz’ list could have been much longer though, because we found a few more things that are distracting Americans away from Benghazi, and here are five more for Teddy to consider.

#5. The New American Idol Judging Panel

Did you hear that Harry Connick, Jr. is joining Jennifer Lopez as a judge on “American Idol?” It’s true. And that story is a major distraction for Americans away from Benghazi. Maybe it’s because it’s a newer news item. Maybe because even though it’s about one of the most bullshit-riddled shows in the history of show business it’s still more genuine than Cruz’ rhetoric about Benghazi. But no matter what, Americans are far more concerned about who is going to tell the young hopefuls they both suck and don’t suck

#4. “Breaking Bad”

I don’t watch the show (shut up!), but all I saw in my Facebook feed the last couple days were posts from friends about the guy from “Malcolm In the Middle” doing something or saying something. Regardless, I saw probably five times as many “Breaking Bad” posts as I did about Benghazi. Well, actually I didn’t see any posts about Benghazi. So I think it’s safe to say Americans think more about this show than they do about Benghazi.

#3. The NFL Football Season Just Started

Americans love football. Or rather, shitloads of Americans do. I can’t say every American does, but enough do to where even in the offseason, news about the NFL seems to dominate sports talk. If a football player farts it’s bound to get press coverage. This past weekend the new season started and if I wasn’t reading friends’ Facebook posts about “Breaking Bad,” it was football I was reading about. Unfortunately for Cruz, that’s real football, and a histrionics-laced political football.

#2. Porn

Seriously, I don’t know how anything gets done in this country anymore. Always just at our fingertips is Internet Pornography. At any given time you can indulge the most depraved and deviant sexual fantasies, even stuff that pertains to (gulp) Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann (though we don’t recommend vapidconservativemoronsinswimwear.com for spank material). With so much porn at our disposal, why would we stop yanking it long enough to spend more time hand-wringing over a bullshit conspiracy theory?

#1. Reality

This is probably the biggest hurdle Cruz and the rest of the Baggers have to climb. Reality tells a much different tale than they are trying to spin. What you get out of Republican Land these days is either a conspiracy theory over the president literally watching live on TV as our consular building was attacked, or you hear that some kind of cover up is going on because of the talking points the intelligence community changed for Susan Rice.

The thing is that perhaps there was more than meets the eye going on in Benghazi, but nothing has even remotely fingered Obama’s White House for anything other than letting the intelligence community make changes. You might be able to accuse Obama of being a pushover for them, but you can’t accuse him of some nefarious plot to bring down America by way of Ben Gozzi, can you? Reality is a distraction from Benghazi because Benghazi is a sad and tragic tale, but one that has a non-partisan lesson of “don’t cut embassy protection funding if you’re going to have embassies in unstable regions,” not, “Impeach the Black Kenyan Socialist Muslim for this.”