5 More “Essential” Things Congress Just Can’t Live Without During the Shutdown

By now we’ve all seen the reports that the Congressional gym has been open for all eight days of the government shutdown so far, having been deemed as “essential” by the collective group of morons that now have a FIVE PERCENT APPROVAL RATINGMany have been outraged over the notion of 800,000 Federal employees with bills to pay and mouths to feed having to worry about paying those mouths and feeding those bills whilst Rep. Paul Ryan can still blast his pecs at the gym we all pay his dues for, but we here at The Chute have stumbled upon a secret list of congressional perks, sent to us by an anonymous Republican staffer,  that have been deemed too essential to stop during the shutdown, and something tells us you’ll have no problem with any of these.

 #5. The Congressional Rhetorical Circle Jerk Is Still Open For Business

Fear not, citizens! Even though your representatives have all effectively walked away from doing their jobs, if not from their $174,000 annual salaries, they have not stopped one of the most important congressional perks — rhetorical circle jerking. You’ll see the same cliquey groups of House Republicans standing in front of a podium or microphone, saying the same things over and over about how if Obama would just negotiate with the people who shut down the government over a dispute about a fully-Constitutional law everything would be okay. If only Obama would agree to completely ignore the Constitution and ignore the millions more people who voted for him and not Mitt Romney last and just write “J/K,LOL” on Obamacare, everything would go back to normal. And by “normal” we mean them kicking and screaming while simultaneously fake-repealing Obamacare and writing laws about what women can do with their vaginae. Of course.

#4. The Michele Bachmann Says Stupid Shit Act of 2010 Is Still Fully-Funded

It should warm everyone’s hearts to know that just because the government is shut down, that doesn’t mean that Rep. Michele Bachmann will stop working. By “working” we of course mean “doing what she’s done for the last three years,” which is to spew idiotic bile from the goop in her head, down through her cerebellum and out of her mouth-hole. As proof that the Michele Bachmann Says Stupid Shit Act of 2010 is still in full-effect see her recent comments about Obama’s decision to support the Syrian rebels being a sign of the coming biblical apocalypse.

That’s not satire, by the way. She literally said the end of the world is nigh because of Obama’s admittedly incorrect desire to get in bed with the Syrian rebels. You can’t make this derp up.

#3. John Boehner’s Bar Tab Is Still Growing

You didn’t think the Lush in Chief would slow down or stop boozing just because the government was in total free-fall with the very real specter of a total default on our debts around the corner did you? Reports were rampant the night of the shutdown’s genesis that many members of the House stunk of booze. Now, the reports were not linked to any members of congress specifically, and I don’t want to imply that the most famous of the Congressional booze-hounds, the guy who everyone jokes about being a red-nosed, orange-faced walking still was involved in the drinking. But well, when in Rome and watching it burn…

#2. The Right-Wing Force Field of Low-Information and Truth Denial Is Still Fully Charged

One thing that has definitely not suffered because of the government being shutdown is the protective field of willful ignorance that encases Republicans in Congress. Apparently not aware that the Internet lets us very easily search and find clips of them. Like this one from the now defunct Keith Olberman show in 2010 where he specifically addresses Tea Party candidates talking about a government shutdown, and the establishment’s response to that:


 #1. They’re Still Allowed to Be Out-of-Touch Douchebags Getting Paid On Our Dime to Be Out-of-Touch Douchebags

Perhaps the best privilege for Congresspeople of all is the fact that thanks to some clever gerrymandering, many are completely safe from the retribution of a bitter and wary electorate. This has emboldened the most trenchant of ideologues to dig their heels into the back of the government for the last three years. Since a small, ill-informed and ignorant group of people keep safely re-electing these sociopaths, they feel invincible. It’s why you can have Darrell Issa waste millions and millions of dollars chasing every squirrel he sees fit. It’s why they’ve wasted tens of millions of dollars on fake Obamacare votes.

They just simply pretend that only the small, gerrymandered chunk of voters that elected them matter, and they get to trot out the “I was sent here by my constituents to do this” line as they set fire to the government and our economy. It’s angering to so many of us that they are working so hard to keep millions of people uninsured, and that they are fighting against a law that was born out of their own think tanks. They are walled-off from reality thanks to Citizens United, with Super-PACS dumping money by the truckload into their coffers, feeding them their rhetoric and policy positions like sick, flightless birds — regurgitating it from their mouths right into that of their bought and paid for Congresspeople.

They’ve been getting paid around $400 a day to spout talking points and keep hitting their special gym, using their special subway to get there too. If anything screams “out of touch douchebag” it’s not even having the sense to close down the congressional gym and just start finding another place to do your exercise. But they clearly didn’t think anyone would catch on or really more than likely — that we’d have any power to stop it. Perhaps they underestimate the power of public opinion, but it seems that when folks are headed to the polls next year, one of the things that might stick in their craw would be watching ideological sycophants hurl us over the abyss while still pumping iron and using the elliptical machines on our dime.



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