5 Fun Facts About Senator Jeff Sessions

Senator Jeff Sessions (R-AL) is President-Elect Donald Trump’s pick for Attorney General, the nation’s top prosecutor. If you don’t follow politics that closely, you might not know much about Sessions beyond his being denied a federal judge’s bench in 1986 when his record in cases surrounding race tripped him up. But we here at the Chute are all about providing vital information to the people but in a fun way.

So here now are five fun facts about Senator Jeff Sessions.

  1. He’s Not a Xenophobe!

    He just wants to make sure people coming here from other countries go through as many legal hoops and barriers as possible because only people born in another country commit acts of terror.

  2. He’s Not A Homophobe!

    He just doesn’t think that gay people have a right to marry who they want, or deserve protections against discrimination in the workplace or protections against domestic violence or hate crimes because he doesn’t believe LGBTQ+ people face that kind of thing.

  3. He’s Not In Favor Of A Police State!

    He just doesn’t think you should criticize police officers ever at all because clearly police officers are incapable of making mistakes, and even if they do it’s so rare it’s really not worth worrying about.

  4. He’s Not Deliriously Out Of Touch About Marijuana

    He just doesn’t think adults should have the choice to put something in their bodies that has been proven to be no more dangerous than alcohol or tobacco. Because no one ever gets in trouble after drinking too much.

  5. He Doesn’t Have A Racist Bone In His Body

    He just completely objects to renewing the Voting Rights Act of 1965 which promises that the federal government will protect the rights of all Americans — no matter their skin color — to vote because he thinks it’s too hard on states that have shown a clear history of discriminating against non-white voters, and he wants voter ID laws to protect against voter fraud he can’t prove exists. Besides, it’s not like those voter ID laws disenfranchise and unnecessarily impede anyone’s vote, right?

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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