5 “Facts” The George W. Bush Library Will Lay Out

I’ll say one thing for George W. Bush — he’s got balls the size of someone’s balls that has incredibly large balls. Dude acts like he had absolutely no involvement in the worst foreign policy blunder in our nation’s history. Either that or his calendar is a little off and he wanted to pull an April Fools Day prank on everyone. The George W. Bush Library — its name alone a suspected trolling of us all — will be opening soon and in speaking about what the library will be for, Dubya said that it’ll be “a place to lay out facts.”

When I read that quote I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. Apparently Bush wants a place to permanently enshrine his administration’s version of the two wars he started and paid for on our nation’s credit. The George W. Bush Library needs a name change if so, perhaps something more along the lines of “The Right-Wing Neocon Propaganda Bullshit Warehouse and Dildo Factory.” Why the dildos? Because if anyone knows about fucking the American people, it’s George W. Bush.

But all this talk of “facts” being “laid out? a the GWB Library got me to thinking. Besides the facts/totally made up bullshit lies about the Iraq War, what other facts can the library lay out for the American people? Here’s what I came up with.

#5. Dick Cheney’s Favorite Potato Chip Is “X-Treme Warmongering Cool Ranch Doritos”

Honestly, I am dying to get inside the GWB Library so I can experience firsthand how much smoke and how many mirrors they decided to put up around Cheney. If ever there was a man deserving of eternal scorn and damnation, it’s the vile and disgusting war profiteer Dick Cheney. It would be one thing of all the Bush Administration’s key actors showed the same kind of humility and humanity that Colin Powell has. Sure, Powell is just as culpable for selling the Iraq War of Lies to the American people, but at least in the subsequent years, he has said numerous times he knows now they were wrong. But as for Bush, Cheney, Paul Wolfowitz and Condie Rice? They just get to keep making platitudes about “information available at the time” or “we liberated the Iraqi people.” Amazing, isn’t it?

#4. Paul Wolfowitz Is An Asexual Alien From Another Planet

Quite honestly I don’t have anything intellectually stunning to say about this reedy fuck. From everything we know now, Wolfowitz was one of the key players in carrying over Daddy Bush’s vendetta against Saddam Hussein into Junior Bush’s presidency. Wolfowitz was instrumental in keeping Bush focused on the non-existent Iraq angle in connection to 9/11. Wolfowitz and Cheney were the most steadfast and stubborn war hawks in the upper echelons. Both men saw no problem using the youth of this country, many of whom were of my generation, as human capital with which to spawn billions in revenue. So I have no idea if  Wolfowitz is asexual, but he’s clearly an alien from the planet Misanthropy.

#3. “George” Is Actually Just Sacha Baron Cohen’s Hilarious Character “The Worst Fucking President Of All Time”

We all loved “Borat,” and I’m thinking that someone so viciously unaware of what a failure his presidency was simply cannot be real. For all the right-wing’s demagoguery of Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton, the proof of their lies is in the fact that in the years since they’ve left office, both men have seen their popularity soar. That’s because you can’t look back on either man’s terms in office and find a deliberate misleading of the American people in the pursuit of war profits. Sure, Clinton lied. About a blowjob. This was after months and years of ugly accusations of being a party to murder, a secret Communist, etc. But no one can think Dubya’s presidency will be remembered as anything but a black mark on our country’s history. What very little good that came out of the eight years of GWB’s reign is completely overshadowed by the thousands of lives lost and trillions of dollars spent in vain.

#2. The Iraq War Was All Just One of Bob Newheart’s Dreams

Wishful thinking here…nothing more.

 #1. George W. Bush Really Was The Worst President Ever, For Reals Though

I know, I know. A liberal writer calling Dubya the worst president ever is nothing new. The evidence backs it up though. He came into office with a massive budget surplus and proceeded to dismantle it with massive tax cuts that weren’t reversed when the economy started to droop after a decade of expensive wars that were unpaid for. The Bush Administration traipsed all over the globe, spoiling for a fight like a drunk in a bar at 2am on a Wednesday night. They’re the ones who soured relations with North Korea again by calling them part of “The Axis of Evil.” They’re the ones who pushed the country into war with Iraq and distracted us from our work in Afghanistan. How much sooner could we have found Bin Laden if we weren’t fighting a second and wholly unnecessary war?

I fully intend to visit the GWB Library one day. I’d think of it like visiting Disneyland for Dummies, or like watching Fox News in a virtual reality helmet. But clearly whatever “facts” this wretched place puts on display won’t be anything of the kind. Instead, it’ll just be a shrine to the lies and false narratives that the Bush Administration clings to, and nothing more.