4 Year Old Syrian Refugee: ISIS Tried to Recruit Me With Candy, Nick Jr. Shows

PINE GLEN, MICHIGAN — While many Americans believe that Republican fears over Syrian refugees — mostly widows and orphans of those who have died as a result of the bloodshed and violence within the country — is overblown, one small Syrian boy may provide them with all the rhetorical ammunition they need to push away those fleeing from the war in their home country.

“After my daddy was killed in an ISIS attack in Syria, I was brought here by my mommy,” Samil Homsi told our reporter adding that “first they had to put [him and his mother] through some really intense screening to make sure [they] weren’t terrorists.” Then, Samil said, “once [they] were allowed into the refugee placement program, arrangements were made for [them]” to come to the United States. “But before we boarded our plane,” Samil said, he “was approached by this man” that “said he was an ISIS operative and that he’d give [Samil] any candy [he] wanted, and let [him] watch all the ‘Dora the Explorer’ and ‘Blues Clues’ on Nick Jr. [he] wanted.” But, Samil said, he’d get all that only if he agreed “to help make Jihad on the west, or whatever.”

“I told him no way, because for starters, the United States was giving my mom and I a chance to have a life in peace, away from their guns and bombs,” Samil said, “and second of all because I’m barely not a fucking toddler anymore.” Samil told the interviewer that it “doesn’t make much sense at all” to him why he’d be recruited for terrorism since he “can’t even go poop without having my mom check my butthole after I wipe.” Then again, he said, “terrorists aren’t all that bright.”

Samil said that at first when he was cautioned about ISIS approaching him for recruitment by Republican American officials as he and his mother entered the country, that he found those warning to be “laughable.” He said that it didn’t make any sense to even his 4-year-old brain that hardened terrorists would try to radicalize people who’ve just seen their loved ones “shot up or blown up.” But, he said, that after that ISIS member approached him, “I guess maybe the Republicans’ gripping fear was validated, maybe.”

“I asked them what good it would do to recruit a four year old,” Samil told our reporters, “since we’re notoriously mercurial and hard to get to do anything we don’t really want to do. They said I could help by coloring the pages of their Death to the West coloring books and handing them to my friends at school.” They said I could also recruit more classmates by offering them free Play-Doh as well as literature on why the West is the devil.”

As the interview was concluding, Samil was asked if he thinks people should really be afraid of refugees like himself. “Oh, yeah,” he told us, “clearly everyone’s xenophobia and paranoia about people like my mom and me is validated, because I mean, if Daesh is so desperate for enlistees that they are actively recruiting the victims of their terror attacks — kids like me — then they are more dangerous than we could have imagined. Of course, this whole story could be the fabrication of just one man. One sad, sad man sitting in his office writing fictitious stories about the world around him in an effort to cope with the fact that there are actually people on this planet that think refugees would willingly sign up to work for the same people they were trying to get away from. So what do I — and what does he — know about anything anyway?”