4 Reasons Every Human Being Should Hate Dick Cheney..As If You Need That Many

War criminal, barbarian, asshole. Dick Cheney.

Perhaps reading what I write here wouldn’t make this fact very apparent or obvious, but I was raised in an evangelical household in the 1980’s. The concept of agape love is nothing new to me; it was drilled into my cerebral databanks from a very early age. When I wasn’t in Sunday School or attending Sunday services, I was watching “Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood” for an hour every day. Between Fred Rogers and Jesus Harold Christ I was programmed very early on that “hate” is a destructive force in the world. Once I got turned onto The Beatles and the “all you need is love” philosophy they wrote their songs with, I genuinely did — and still do — try to find the good in everyone, to love my neighbor as myself, and to do so while loving everyone just the way they are.

Dick Cheney makes me completely forget all that shit though. He’s a war monger. He’s a liar. He’s got the blood of hundreds of thousands of innocent people on his hands, and history will not be kind to that empty sack of toxic flesh and barbaric brain waves. There are just some people who never give you the opportunity to forgive them because every time they open their putrid faces and let words tumble out, they make you forget how bad the last thing they said was. Dick Cheney is one of those people who have no rock bottom; he will continue to find new, inhumane lows to sink to, and as far as I can see, not a living soul on Earth should feel about letting themselves feel real, unadulterated, pure hatred for him.

And as if you really needed them, here are four solid reasons to let the hate flow.

#4. He Shot a Dude in the Face without Carrying the Proper Credential, and Walked Away Scot-Free

What do you think would happen if any of us shot someone in the face on a hunting trip, presuming none of us are the Vice-President of the United States of America at the time? What do you think would happen if it turned out we didn’t purchase the proper credential for our hunting license before the trip wherein we blasted a friend in the face with a shotgun? Do you think we’d get a slap on the wrist and just wind-up being the butt of a joke forever and ever?

Of course not. At the minimum our hunting license would be suspended, if not revoked. We’d be forced to probably pay a fine, and probably even take a mandatory gun safety class. But ol’ Iron Valves just got to laugh it off like it was no big deal. Maybe his buddy that he shot in the face didn’t care too much, and maybe in the end this is the likely the least egregious of his crimes against humanity, but it’s the perfect crystallization of the paradigm that Cheney operates outside the normal laws of existence, does whatever the fuck he wants, and then lives without any repercussions, and none of us would be given remotely the same kind of treatment.

#3. He’s an Unrepentant, Torturous Sociopath

Maybe you can overlook the hunting accident that would have landed most of us in some kind of legal hot water but only got him a few weeks of embarrassing press. Maybe you can overlook the fact that he and his cohorts lied to get us into a war. Maybe you could argue that in the post-9/11 world many people were all too willing to exact a price of retribution on any country even tangentially related to Osama Bin-Laden and that we all should feel guilty for how our country behaved. But no one who calls themselves a real American should be okay with torturing people. That’s un-American as it gets. For Chrissakes we have rules against “cruel and unusual punishment” in our own constitution, so we all should be able to reconcile ourselves with the notion that torture is wrong.

Not ol’ Dicky though. He has never shown any remorse for the abhorrent way we treated captured and suspected terrorists. The waterboarding and other horrendous treatments we put people through without even a sniff of an actual trial is just sickening. And yet when asked recently about whether he would advocate such tactics again, were he given the opportunity, the man actually said, “If I would have to do it all over again, I would. The results speak for themselves.”

Because you know, “Freedom.”

#2. We Gave Him a Cool Million for His New Heart

Dick Cheney is undeniably one rich old war mongering piece of shit. Estimates of his total net worth are pegged right around $90 million. That would make sense since he had direct ties to Halliburton, who took in roughly $40 billion in profits from their hand in the Iraq War. So then why in the holy living Hell were we the taxpayers stuck with the bill for his million dollar heart? If Cheney couldn’t have paid for it, couldn’t his old buddies at Halliburton sliced off a piece of the pie they stole from the American and Iraqi people to give Cheney his new ticker?

Don’t forget that Cheney is the Neocon to rule all Neocons so things like universal health care access, Social Security and welfare are all things he opposes. It’s just downright disgusting to think of Cheney being bumped to the front of the line, passing up who knows how many good, innocent, non-war mongery Americans who also needed a heart, but to think that we also had to pay to keep that barbarous, blood thirsty asshole alive is insulting to all of us who can’t afford either the million dollar heart, nor the price it would take to get us bumped up the donor wait list.

#1. Iraq, Iraq, Iraq, Iraq

I typed the word “Iraq” four times for a reason. The reality is that while the other four items on this list truly are more than enough evidence to indict him on charges of “Being the World’s Biggest, Most Unapologetic Dickbag Alive,” it’s his role in orchestrating the Iraq Invasion and ensuing war that gets to the real heart — pun intended — of my hatred for Cheney. It takes a certain lack of respect for the sanctity of human life to gleefully send young boys and girls off to slaughter for your own profit. It takes an even more staggering amount of that disrespect for life to send those young men and women off to die when you yourself did everything you could to avoid military service. But it takes hubris and a maniacal and depraved indifference to human life to do so with the full knowledge that you are lying through your wicked teeth to accomplish all that.

Yes, the lies make a difference. Of course they do. It’s one thing to make a terrible mistake, but it’s another to willfully mislead and deceive a nation of people into handing over their sons and daughters to the firing squad when you know in your blackened, plaque-clogged heart that it’s all for bullshit imperialistic reasons. You can rest assured that before we all leave this mortal coil another terrorist attack will be perpetrated against the U.S. Perhaps it won’t be carried out on our soil; perhaps it will be. But you can mark my words here and now. When that attack does come, it will be the specters of Dick Cheney, George W. Bush, Paul Wolfowitz, Colin Powell and Condie Rice that are evoked when credit is taken for the attack. The terrorists — murderous criminals though they’ll be — will have just a tiny bit of moral high ground to stand on when they say they are making America pay the price for their imperialist ways in Iraq.

The mistakes of Reagan and Bush I led to Bin Laden’s rise to power and ultimately our number one enemy. You can count on Dick Cheney’s war crimes to haunt this country for years, and years to come.



James' newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

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