Guess what? There’s another Republican Primary debate on TV tonight, and we bet you’re all stoked as fuck on it huh? Or you know probably not. That’s why people have started inventing drinking games to go along with these Talking Point and Pony shows that ultimately don’t teach you anything you didn’t already know about each candidate, though it can often help pinpoint just how stupid they are, when they forget which government agencies they’d shut down, or when they look like brainless, stiff cardboard (looking at you Scott Walker).
So you know what? Skip the debate. Honestly, just skip it. If you’re looking for something more productive to do with your time, we have four suggestions for you below. And trust us, any one of these will be more beneficial for you, and you’ll get way more out of any of these things than you would watching more than a dozen bloviating assholes tell you how much the liberals are ruining America with all their equality and shit.
#1. Put Your Finger in a Paper Shredder
The debate is going to be painful for you. They’re going to say stuff that implies people are only poor because they’re not married. They’re going to say that Planned Parenthood sells dead baby parts on store shelves like cigarettes, which they’ll tell you are safer than marijuana and that’s why we have to keep putting young, black men in prison for the rest of their lives over it. So you know what you should do? Skip all that mental anguish and put your finger — more than one if you need to — into a paper shredder. We promise that the idiocy being spewed forth on the debate stage will almost completely vanish from your mind.
#2. Drink Bleach
As we mentioned in the introduction to this article, people have started sending out drinking game rules for these debates. Clever as they are, the truth is that unless you’re committed to giving yourself alcohol poisoning, at some point you are going to cut yourself off out of self-preservation and then you’ll have to listen to those assholes in an inebriated state, jeopardizing your TV, as you’ll be far more likely to hurl something through it. So do yourself a favor, get a pint glass, fill it with bleach, turn on the debate, and just as Carly Fiorina starts yapping, drink. Guzzle. Don’t look back. Trust us, as weird as this election is right now, you probably don’t wanna be alive for its conclusion next year.
#3. Set Yourself, Your House, and All Your Possessions on Fire
That debate is going to last a minimum of two hours. Stop and think about that for a second. Two hours of Ted Cruz pandering to the crowd and berating the “liberal media.” Two hours of Jeb! trying to convince us that he’s less a fuck-up than his last name surely guarantees he’ll be. Two hours of Carly looking into the camera and challenging Hillary Clinton to all kinds of dumb shit. Two hours of Ben Carson telling you dinosaurs and Roman soldiers killed Jesus. Now, after you’ve imagined all that…imagine it all again, except this time…you’re on fire.
Way, way better huh?
#4. Anything. Literally Anything.
The hardest part about writing this piece wasn’t coming up with things to do that would be more productive than watching over a dozen morons talking to other morons about why people in the country who want to be respectful of LGBT people, or want to make sure that all people are treated fairly no matter their skin tone or genitalia are who is ruining America. The hardest part was limiting the list to just four times. This could literally be a never-ending list if we didn’t limit ourselves. So just go out to eat, mow your lawn, masturbate to old Jane Fonda workout tapes…it doesn’t matter. Literally anything else on the face of the Earth is more productive than watching this stupid debate will be, we promise.