Struggling to find the perfect gift for that paranoid, fundamentalist fiscal sociopath in your life? Then boy do we have the list for you.
Here now are The Political Garbage Chute’s 4 Gift Ideas For the House Republican in Your Life:
#4. Membership in the Whiskey a Day Club for John Boehner
What do you get for the Speaker of the least productive session in Congressional history that has everything? Well, it’s John Boehner we’re talking about here so anything that’s dark brown and served in a rocks glass will suit him just dandy. We suggest the Whiskey a Day Club, from Lushies. This 365-day gift will keep the whiskey — and his tears — flowing the whole year long! Given that we’ve seen over the last two years what Boehner’s work ethic is, in order to get him to drink his daily whiskey you may have to tell him that President Obama said he can’t have it, or that President Obama was about to outlaw all whiskey everywhere, but we figure you’ll find the right purely political motivations for ol’ Johnny.
#3. A Giant Pair of Scissors, The Bible, and a Copy of “Atlas Shrugged” for Paul Ryan
There’s nothing that Paul Ryan loves more than Ayn Rand’s love of hating poor people. He’s also reportedly a devout Christian who enjoys snipping up the social safety net with every single budget he writes. So what better gift for the economic sociopath than a giant pair of scissors so we can more easily chop up welfare, Social Security and Medicare? To inspire his misanthropic adventures in budget creation, we figured we should include a clean copy of “Atlas Shrugged” — since the pages in all of his copies stick together. A new copy of The Bible will help him pin down the exact chapter and verse of the passage where Jesus Christ says that people should have to be held to arbitrary standards of morality before they are given the help they need.
#2. A Suitcase and a One-Way Ticket to Afghanistan for Michele Bachmann
This is Michele’s last Christmas in Congress. We’d like to suggest therefore that she spend the last year of her tenure as one of the worst congressional members of all time on special assignment in Afghanistan. At first, you’d think the clearly Islamaphobic Bachmann would be terrible as an envoy to a country like Afghanistan, but as a leader of the Tea Party Caucus in Congress, who better could we send to reach out to a group of fundamentalist, hard line conservatives like the Taliban? It’s a win-win situation for all parties involved. She could teach them about modern women, and they could teach her how to be even more obstinate in her stubborn attachment to theocratic rhetoric and policy.
#1. The Largest Shovel and the Highest Boots Possible for Darrell Issa
This was probably the easiest gift to come up with. Issa is almost always steeped in shit. Most often it’s shit that has come from his “brain” and out of his mouth. In the spirit of the holidays, we figured we’d try to make his life easier by equipping him with the tools to shovel as much of his shit out onto the American political landscape as possible. So we went to Home Depot and bought the biggest shovel we could find, and then we went to Boot World and bought him rubber boots that go all the way up to his ass, which is ironically where most of his ideas come from, so perhaps a direct path from there to the ground is best anyway.
What we’re saying here is “Fuck Darrell Issa.” Oh, and “Merry Christmas!”