3 Ways to Melt Thousands of Snowflakes at Once

Looking to melt thousands of snowflakes at one time? Trying to find a way to melt scores and scores of snowflakes in one, fell swoop? Well, we have three ideas for you to get that done.

#1 Hold an Election to Remove Their Wannabe Dictator From Office

The first step toward mass melting of snowflakes is to hold an election. You have to make sure the consequence of losing the election is losing power. That’s a big key, make sure he has to leave office if he loses.

#2 Vote For His Opponent in Record Numbers

Next, come out in droves and vote for his opponent in record numbers. In fact, give his opponent more votes than any candidate has ever received before. That way, his historic defeat will be even more stinging. Witnessing their Dear Leader’s demise is sure to super-duper-hardcore-trigger the snowflakes, raising their temperature just about to their melting point.

#3 Count Every Vote and Declare a Winner

When it’s all said and done, this seems to be what puts it all over the top. You have to make sure to count all the votes. Then, you declare the winner when the votes are counted. At that point, it should cause a massive spike in the snowflakes’ temperature, and you can just stand back and watch them all melt.


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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