I have friends in Florida, so with all apologies to them:
What the Hell is going on down there, everyone? Every time I turn around there’s something insane happening in America’s dong, and State Rep. Charles Van Zant (R-Of Course) has just scrawled his name in the long line of Floridian politicians who need a shake and a squeeze back into reality. Van Zant made national news when he implied that Common Core will help liberals recruit more kids into the ranks of the Gay Army.
Okay, he didn’t use the words “Gay Army,” but here’s what he really said, “These people, that will now receive $220 million from the state of Florida unless this is stopped, will promote double-mindedness in state education and attract every one of your children to become as homosexual as they possibly can. I’m sorry to report that to you.” Say what you will about Common Core — and there are salient arguments in favor and condemnation of it — but it takes an idiot of epic proportions to conclude any educational system is designed to make kids “as homosexual as they possibly can.” I’d also really, really like to know what it means to be “as homosexual” as you “possibly can.” Does that mean stuffing like twenty dicks into you while watching your TV that only gets Bravo reality shows while sending mail with only the Harvey Milk stamps? I mean, to a comedian’s mind a phrase like “as homosexual as they possibly can” really opens the door up to some hilarious possibilities.
But if you thought his assertion that Common Core will make your kids gay was crazy, it turns out Van Zant has some other ideas as to what makes people gay, and his notebook that we were emailed scanned images of by an anonymous and possibly non-existent Van Zant staffer reveals what those ideas are.
From Van Zant’s notes:
Is it possible that gays only started happening in society when women started being able to vote? I think so. Women got the right to vote with the 19th Amendment, ratified in August of 1920. The gay rights movement really started in earnest in the mid-to-late 1960’s, which was after the 19th Amendment was ratified. Clearly there’s a cause and effect here, and this would also lead me to believe that ending slavery, desegregating the schools and winning World War II also made people gay. Because as we all know, something that comes after something else was caused by that first thing.
The Disney Channel’s Afternoon Lineup
More from Van Zant’s notes:
We all already know that Daisy is Donald’s beard because Donald has been having a tawdry love affair with Pete the big dog character for years now. But the Disney pro-gay cabal is even stronger than you’d think. All of their afternoon lineup of shows are aimed at turning our kids gay. The original title for “Austin & Ally” was “Two Teens Who End Up Totally Gay For Each Other In 20 Years.” And we all know that a “Good Luck Charlie” is a sexual position very popular in the gay community. Or at least, I think everyone knows about that. That’s what the one guy at that rest stop in Tampa said to me when he was doing it to —
Anyway, we need to get Disney off the air and put on wholesome, family entertainment like Fox News in its place.
Eating Corn Pops for Breakfast
Very honestly, I had no idea what to put into this slot, so I chose something that makes even less sense the first two options because the underlying point here is that Charles Van Zant is a fucking asshole. A homophobic, antiquated, over-the-hill, white, crusty asshole. And then underneath that point is the fact that nothing “turns” people gay except the desire to fuck someone of the same gender. Even then they could be bisexual, pansexual, and most importantly we all need to be Who-Gives-a-Shit-sexuals because really, truly, who gives a shit?