Monthly Archives: February, 2021

Matt Gaetz Tells CPAC He Won’t Let Trump ‘Pull Out Until He Finishes’

A visibly evident and olfactorily confirmed drunk Rep. Matt Gaetz (Q-FL) slurred and stammered his way through a long-winded speech today during the 2021...

Update: Stephen Miller is Still a Bald, Racist Cunt

When one thinks back on the four year diarrhea buffet that was the Trump administration, it's hard not to, at some point, think about...

Marjorie Taylor Greene Requests Medical Crack Exception From House Leadership

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene has a lot of time on her hands, now that she's been completely stripped of her committee...

Surgeon General Recommends Shitting on Ted Cruz Twice Daily

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The acting Surgeon General of the United States has issued a new set of guidelines for the continued health and well-being...

United Airlines Ending Its Frequent Fuckface Miles Program

United Airlines has announced that after careful consideration of the events of the past 48 hours they will be ending their Frequent Fuckface Miles...

Pat Robertson: God Will Warm Texas If He Stops Watching “Magic Mike” for Research Purposes Twelve Times a Week

VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA -- Living fossil and televangelist Pat Robertson often speaks to God about what's going in the United States. In particular, Robertson...

Satan Tells Limbaugh to ‘Fuck Off Out Of Here’

HELL -- Satan "Billy" Beelzebub does not want recently deceased radio host Rush Limbaugh "anywhere within 500 eternal yards" of Hell, and he made...

Jim Jordan Blames Cancel Culture for His Miniscule Dick

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Congressman Jim Jordan has a very, very, very, very small dick. Jordan's dick is so small that Former President Donald Trump's dick...

Senate Republicans Wish Every American a Happy Sucking-Off Insurrectionist Former Presidents Day!

Today, kids all across America are off from school, banks are closed, and the mail isn't running because it's a federal holiday. Today is...

Impeachment: Hawley Says He Hasn’t Heard Convincing Evidence From Within Trump’s Peepee Hole

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- From his vantage point, Senator Josh Hawley (Q-MO) says he hasn't seen any evidence that should convict the former president of...

Babylon Bee Staff Identify as Comedians Though They Share Only One Joke Between Them

In practice, they're a cadre of Christofascists who wrap their theocratic beliefs in the banner of alleged "satire." However, on paper and official government...

Former President Says His Balls are ‘Really Bigly Missing’ Devin Nunes and Ted Cruz These Days

LAKE DUMFUK, FLORIDA -- He hasn't even been out of power for a full month yet, but sources close to the 45th President of...

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