2020 Democratic Contender Hopes She’s as Likable as Rage-Tweeting Racist, White Collar Crook She’d Be Facing

GOLD HILLS, CALIFORNIA — Maybe you haven’t heard of Cheryl Tulipson yet, but she was hoping that by the time she ran for the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination, you’d know more about her — and thus give her self-admitted “Hail Mary of a longshot of a prayer of a miracle” of a campaign a fighting chance.

“Hey, I get it. I’m just a city council member in a small city in California,” Tulipson told reporters this morning. “In America, though, you’re allowed to dream big, and I plan to dream as big as I can next year. I’m running for president, and I’m running for the Democratic Party’s nomination.”

Tulipson, 52, says she thinks that despite not having held any office higher than that of the city counselor position she won last fall, she’s “just as qualified” as the current president was when he ran in 2016. In fact, Cheryl thinks, she might be even more qualified.

“Because unlike him, I’ve actually made mistakes, been held accountable, and learned from the mistakes,” Tulipson. “The current tangerine-tinted tyrant in the Oval Office just papers over failures with lies and more failures.”

Council Member Tulipson gets that she’s got a heck of a long way to go to challenge people like Senator Elizabeth Warren, or former Vice-President Joe Biden. However, she believes that should she somehow get passed them, she might face one more “almost insurmountable challenge.

“Am I as likable as the president? That’s something I’m not too sure of,” Tulipson said. “I mean, five years ago, if you’d have asked me if the other party would be so cynical that they’d elect a guy who is clearly racist, un-apologetically corrupt, does nothing but spend most days rage-tweeting and bullying the media, all while pretending he’s not the most obvious white collar criminal in history, I’d say that was a stretch.”

Tulipson paused.

“But now? I mean, it’s pretty obvious that about 30% of the country actually wants that kind of bloviating, lying, mean-spirited, self-obsessed sack of moronic shit as president,” Tulipson said. “So in a way, that’s what they like. That leaves me wondering if any of us will be as likable as that gelatinous, fascist, ill-mannered, Adderall snorting buffoon. And that worries me.”

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.



James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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