LONDONTOWNSHIPSHIRE, ENGLANDVILLE KINGDOM — Upon arriving in the United Kingdom for a three day state visit, one of the first things the President of the United States did was take note of the fact that his state media outlets are not easily found on UK airwaves. The president tweeted his displeasure about the situation this morning.
Just arrived in the United Kingdom. The only problem is that @CNN is the primary source of news available from the U.S. After watching it for a short while, I turned it off. All negative & so much Fake News, very bad for U.S. Big ratings drop. Why doesn’t owner @ATT do something?
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) June 3, 2019
The most powerful man in the world even seemed to initiate a boycott of CNN’s parent company via Twitter.
I believe that if people stoped using or subscribing to @ATT, they would be forced to make big changes at @CNN, which is dying in the ratings anyway. It is so unfair with such bad, Fake News! Why wouldn’t they act. When the World watches @CNN, it gets a false picture of USA. Sad!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) June 3, 2019
Reportedly, the president has spent much of his time while not being given tours by Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles seeking out some Fox News programming. According to several sources close enough to him to get a good whiff of the Borscht and whore piss cologne he got as a gift from Russian President Vlad Putin, the commander in chief has been forced to get updates on American news from CNN, and after 14 hours without Fox News to counteract it, something quite unexpected has happened. The president now believes that Donald Trump is a threat to America.
“Wow! Why didn’t anyone tell me this Donald Trump guy was out there attacking our constitutional freedoms and giving aid and comfort to white supremacists before,” the president apparently asked Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders this evening at dinner. “I saw on CNN that he’s told like over 10,000 lies since he was sworn in, and apparently the Mueller Report illustrates a specific pattern of abuse of his powers and specific instances where he clearly obstructed justice.”
The president believes Trump represents a “bigly danger to the safety and prosperity of the United States.”
“His tariff wars are turning farmers into welfare kings. His rhetoric is getting bombs sent to his political adversaries,” the president said, “and his entire administration is willfully ignoring constitutional oversight. Hell, that’s the exact stuff that Nixon was nearly impeached for! It seems to me like the United States can’t afford to just sit back and let Trump keep doing this, which makes me wonder why Nancy Pelosi hasn’t been more vocal about considering impeachment.”
The president said he was “outraged and alarmed” by what he heard on CNN about Donald Trump. Apparently, he was “blown away” by the fact that Fox News never told him any of these things about Trump.
“Why didn’t Fox News tell me the idiot doesn’t get how tariffs only make things more expensive for American consumers? Why didn’t Fox tell me he has years worth of questionable ties to Russian oligarchs,” the president asked incredulously. “I’m starting to get the sneaking and sinking feeling that Fox News hasn’t been entirely truthful about this Donald Trump fellow, and that could pose a real, serious problem for all of us.”
When he arrives back in the United States, the president plans to convene a meeting of his most trusted advisers to determine how best to handle the “Donald Trump situation.”
“I want to hear from the President of Puerto Rico, the President of Idaho, John Barron, and David Dennison,” the president reportedly told Huckabee Sanders today. “When I get back, convene a meeting for me and them in the Executive Time suite, Sarah.”
Huckabee had a question for her boss.
“You mean your bathroom toilet, right sir,” Huckabee asked.
The president patted her on her head.
“Yes! That’s a good Sarah! You got it right! So very good Sarah! Here,” the president said, handing her a treat, “have a treat my good girl! Who’s a good girl? That’s right, Sarah! You are!”
Reportedly, Ms. Huckabee Sanders is desperate to make sure her brother knows she’s not really a dog, even though the president treats her like one.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.
