10 Ted Cruz-Approved GOP Debate Questions

It’s no big secret that many of the 2016 Republican presidential candidates were not pleased with the lines of questioning they received during the third primary debate of the season, held on CNBC recently. During the debate, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) made a splash when he pivoted away from answering a question about the debt ceiling and instead chose to attack the media. It was seen as a pivotal moment for Cruz among conservatives, and it seemed to galvanize the rest of the candidates against the press.

In the days that have followed the debate, several of the candidates — Cruz included — have tussled with the Republican National Committee over having more control in the question and moderator selection. The Cruz campaign earlier this week put more pressure on the RNC by releasing a list of 50 questions he says will be the only questions he will “even acknowledge,” according to a press release that came with the questions.

What follows are ten of those 50 questions that Ted Cruz has approved for the next GOP debate.

#1. Who would you put in prison first — Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, or a pregnant rape victim getting an abortion?
Correct Answer: Round them up together and throw into the clink all at once, of course.

#2. Which Amendment needs to be repealed first: 13th, 14th, or 19th?
Correct Answer:
 The 19th. If women are allowed to vote, they might vote for things like pay fairness, LGBT equality, and other such horrible, Anti-American things that give non-white, non-conservative people more freedom.

#3. Would you say your greatest weakness is that you’re too good for this job?
Correct Answer:
 Obviously, yes. I’m too good at everything I do; I’ve literally never failed at anything ever in my life. It’s a curse. But I’m willing to slum-it for the American people, I guess.

#4.How long has Hillary Clinton been worshiping Satan and performing abortions on the weekends?
Correct Answer:
 Near as we can tell, at least 20 years, but as long as she keeps her emails hidden from us, we can only assume that she is an immortal spawn of Satan sent here by Beelzebub himself to perform abortions in churches while innocent Republicans are forced to watch and masturbate.

#5. Just how uppity are The Gays?
Correct Answer:
Very, extremely, completely uppity. What kind of pretentious asshole wants to marry the person of their choosing as long as they are another consenting adult? Un-American assholes, that’s who.

#6. Will Bernie Sanders take all your money, hand it to a poor person, and then tell that poor person they get to spit in your face?
Correct Answer:
Socialists are just like Nazis, even though they’re missing that whole “Nationalist” thing that makes them actually right-wing, but anyway, the point is that socialist will ruin everything they touch. Look at all those countries with socialized medicine in Europe. It’s going horribly…because conservatives like me over there have been gutting them, but still, isn’t that evidence that they’re bad, that we conservatives can make them bad? Of course it is, hippie.

#7. Don’t you think Republicans are the only ones legitimately allowed to be President, per the Constitution?
Correct Answer:
 Boy did you ever hit the nail on the head. It should be very clear that we Republicans just straight-up do not ever acknowledge presidents as legitimate if they aren’t Republicans. Remember: Clinton was a secret communist and Obama is a secret Kenyan communist. You add to that the fact that clearly the Founders intended us to be a Republican monarchy — even though the GOP wasn’t established until decades after their death — and you can see that only Republicans are legit presidents.

#8. If we don’t elect a Republican as president next, will the Russians bomb us, China demand our debts paid up front, and the Sun will explode all at once?
Correct Answer:
There can be no doubt we will be entering the End Times if a Republican isn’t president. That’s for sure. Great question, by the way!

#9. In any way was Obama, Hillary Clinton, or George Soros responsible for the Holocaust?
Correct Answer:
 Does a socialist bear redistribute his shit in the woods?

10. Fuck Democrats, Yes or No?
Correct Answer:
Trick question. Fuck the Middle Class and working poor, always.