Donald Trump Finding Out

Well...shit. How did this end up happening, anyway? Doesn't everyone indicting him understand the rules have never, and never will apply to him? Think of the...

I Live in Arkansas. Can My 10 Year Old Work as a Bouncer at a Drag Bar?

I moved to Arkansas before I was a father, so I can't say that I'd even be thinking about this topic ten years ago, that's for certain. Recently, though, my state's governor signed a bill that rolls back child labor laws to the point...

Jesus: “Silencing Transgender People Isn’t Christian, It’s Cunty”

"I specifically told people to stop being judgmental little twatwaffles to everyone." In Montana, elected...

A Complete List of All the 2024 Presidential Candidates Currently on Trial for Rape

In New York City, a former President of the United States is being sued...

Greene and Boebert Blast Cinco De Mayo as ‘Reverse Racist’

"...it's very rude and disrespectful, the whole holiday. You can see it in the...

Disney Exec: Company Has Years of Meaningful Experience Dealing With Grumpy Dwarfs

During an investor conference call last week, Disney executives were confident that their company...

New Tennessee Law Requires All Transformers Toys to Only Have Car Mode

If you're a parent living in Tennessee and buying your child a Transformer for...

Boebert Proposes Lowering the Debt Basement Instead of Raising the Debt Ceiling

"Representative Boebert had an epiphany -- there's more than just a ceiling in a...

Naming Marjorie Taylor Greene His VP Would Double the IQ of Trump’s Ticket to 46

Former President Donald Trump really wants to make an attempt at a third popular vote loss in next year's presidential election. Though Trump has...

DeSantis Orders Disney World to Immediately Reverse “Splash Mountain” Update

Imagineers at Walt Disney World have one week from today to immediately halt and...

Cruz Withholding 2024 Endorsement Until He Hears Every Candidate’s Stance on His Ugly Wife

Though the next presidential election is still over a year away, the machinations involved...

Cruz Withholding 2024 Endorsement Until He Hears Every Candidate’s Stance on His Ugly Wife

Though the next presidential election is still over a year away, the machinations involved...

Entertainment

Disney Exec: Company Has Years of Meaningful Experience Dealing With Grumpy Dwarfs

During an investor conference call last week, Disney executives were confident that their company...

New Tennessee Law Requires All Transformers Toys to Only Have Car Mode

If you're a parent living in Tennessee and buying your child a Transformer for...

DeSantis Orders Disney World to Immediately Reverse “Splash Mountain” Update

Imagineers at Walt Disney World have one week from today to immediately halt and...

Texas Passes Law That Requires KISS and G.W.A.R. to Play Without Makeup

Musical acts touring the Lone Star State may have to alter their stage show,...

NPR and PBS Agree to Return to Twitter If Tesla and SpaceX Give Up Government Handouts

Citing Elon Musk's decision to direct Twitter engineers to label their organizations as "government-funded...

Texas Passes Law That Requires KISS and G.W.A.R. to Play Without Makeup

Musical acts touring the Lone Star State may have to alter their stage show,...

DeSantis Signs Law Giving Parental Rights to Rapists Six Weeks After Rape

"Obviously, Ron DeSantis is a friend to Florida's rapists..."  - Chad Beefington, Rapists Rights...

Missouri Bans Literacy, Only 40% of Missourians Can Read The News About It

This week, Missouri Republicans found a new battleground to wage a culture war on...

C’Mon, America, Let Me See Your Kid’s Junk. For Their Own Safety.

The following editorial was submitted by Dustin Pewpsin, a Christian conservative podcaster. Mr. Pewpsin...

Clarence Thomas Found a Pubic Hair on Harlan Crow’s Nazi Linens

"...we all heard just absolutely ear shattering laughter coming from the room where Mr....

Disney World Offering Free Bud Light to Every Transgender Guest This Summer

Transgender guests of Walt Disney World can receive a rather special perk this summer,...

Appeals Court: If Ted Cruz is Fertile, the Abortion Pill Should Be Legal

Last week, a federal judge invalidated the FDA's approval of mifepristone, a so-called "abortion...

Twitter Releases New Feature That Lets You Smell Trump’s Dick on Jim Jordan’s Tweets

In recent weeks, billionaire meme stealing shitposter Elon Musk says that Twitter has lost...

Anheuser-Busch Selling $400 Special Edition Boycott Cases of Bud Light for Target Practice

Gun owning super-patriot religious inquisitors looking to take their transphobic and homophobic rage out...

MAGA

In 2024, Republicans Will Choose Between Trump, DeSantis, or Another Form of Cancer

Believe it or not, Americans are only about 20 short months away from choosing the next President of the United States. It's assumed at this point that President Joe Biden will throw his hat in the ring for the Democratic nomination. For his Republican counterpart,...

World’s Richest Alt-Right Twitter Troll Calls for QAnon Shaman’s Release

Elon Musk, the world's richest alt-right Twitter troll, used his account on that social...

DeSantis Demands Disney World Close ‘It’s a Small World’ Because It Promotes Woke Globalism

"...the only black automatons we tolerate are Candice Owens and Ben Carson." - Gov....

George Santos: “I Never Would Have Invented Locomotives if I Knew Biden Would Let Them Crash!”

Rep. George Santos (Q-NY) told reporters today that he has "many, many, many regrets"...

My Kids and I Are Breathing Toxic Soup and It’s Your Fault. But Thanks for the Branded Water?

The following was sent to our editorial board from Clark Sparkler, a lifelong resident...

Business/Economy

I Live in Arkansas. Can My 10 Year Old Work as a Bouncer at a Drag Bar?

I moved to Arkansas before I was a father, so I can't say that I'd even be thinking about this topic ten years ago,...

3 Important Reasons Bank Execs Need Bailouts But You Don’t Need Welfare

Dustin Pewpsin is a self-described "conservative AF amateur economist and professional politics watcher." He...

Economic Models Project Which Red States Become Third World Countries After National Divorce

Horse faced cave troll and Congresswoman Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) shocked many outside...

Disney World Offering Free Bud Light to Every Transgender Guest This Summer

Transgender guests of Walt Disney World can receive a rather special perk this summer, according to sources within the company. In leaked records provided to us, it appears that Disney executives are about to green light a special promotion that would give free Bud...

DeSantis Bans Minecraft Because ‘Kids Can Get Hoes’ In It

Gov. Ron DeSantis of Florida has used much of his second term in office to publicly wage a series of cultural wars. DeSantis has...

Sports

Jesus Christ Wonders How Many Poor People You Can Feed for Two Super Bowl Ads

Today, Jesus Hubert Christ held his weekly heavenly press conference. One reporter asked the...

DeSantis Bans Talking About Super Bowl LVII Halftime Show in the Classroom

Singer Rihanna was the marquee star of yesterday's Super Bowl LVII halftime show. During...

Matt Gaetz to Personally Collect Florida’s Student Athlete Menstrual Data

The State of Florida is set to begin collecting menstrual data from its high...

DeSantis Bans Talking About Super Bowl LVI Halftime Show in the Classroom

https://youtu.be/bVGf85D8xyg TALAHASSEE, FLORIDUH -- Teachers in America's Dong State are forbidden from discussing the halftime...

Trump: Bengals Lost a ‘Rigged’ Super Bowl When Officials Kept Counting the Rams’ Points

https://youtu.be/drebWBypJAo FARTS-A-LOT-THOUGH, FLORIDA -- In his mind, the Cincinnati Bengals won the Super Bowl last night, and former President Donald Trump is lashing out against the NFL for letting the Los Angeles Rams "win a sham and rigged contest" instead. In a brief written statement,...

Science & Medicine