The United States and Iran have seemingly reached an historic deal that Secretary of State John Kerry believes will permanently keep Iran’s nuclear program from developing nuclear weapons. Many have rejoiced in this news as a sign that cooler heads can prevail. Just a few years ago, Iran was still seemingly permanently placed in the “Axis of Evil” by George W. Bush and his presidential administration, and now the world has seen six major nations come together, and begin to hammer out a deal that could usher in a new era of warmer relations between the two major players — the U.S. and Iran.
Not everyone is pleased with the deal, however. Senator John McCain is one among many congressional Republicans that has been critical of the deal all along, and he was one of 47 Senate Republicans who co-signed a letter from Sen. Tom Cotton (R-AR) sent to the Iranian government a couple of weeks ago, warning them against allowing themselves to be too happy with any deal they signed with the Obama administration. Now, McCain has sent an email blast out to several media outlets from his personal email account, HappyBombingLittleBrownPeople@WarIsRad.net, with the following letter. The Political Garbage Chute decided to run this letter in its entirety for our faithful readers.
“Why The U.S.-Iran Nuke Deal Is Bad, Bad, Bad”
by John McCain
My Fellow red-blooded, ammo-hoarding, religious freedom restoring, God fearing American Patriots, I fear I bring you bad tidings. The deal that the Obama White House has struck with the Iranian government is a bad one. It’s really bad, in fact. It’s so bad I think it’s triple bad. It’s bad-bad-bad. Did I mention it was bad yet? Because it’s bad.
Where was I?
Oh yes. That’s right.
The deal between the U.S. and Iran regarding Iran’s nuclear program is bad. Why is it bad? For a whole host of reasons, really. Let me start with number one — it moves the world further away from war. War, for lack of a better word ladies and gentlemen, is good. War is what Neil Armstrong climbed Mount Everest for. War is what Jimi Hendrix sewed the first American Flag for. War. What is it good for? Absolutely everything.
What was I saying?
Oh yes, The deal moves us further away from sweet, sweet War, and that’s Reason Number One why this deal with Iran sucks out loud. Reason Numero Two as to why this Iran deal sucks? Umm, does anyone remember when I sang, “Bomb, Bomb, Bomb. Bomb, Bomb Iran?” No? Here, let me refresh your memory. Feel free to skip to about :35 seconds in if rambling, Tom Clancy wannabe generic war hawk fear-stur-bating posed as a question isn’t your thing, of course.
So now that I’ve refreshed your memory as to what a fucking genius and spot-on comedian I am, you may see why I’d be a tad pissed at this Iran-U.S. nuke deal thing-a-ma-jig, right? These assholes are stealing one of my best bits! It kills at the Country Clubs. Holy shit, does it kill at the God damned Country Fucking Clubs.
But beyond this idea that Obama and his fellow liberal-livered stooges have robbed me of some of my best material, there’s the fact that this deal is still bad for a whole host of reasons. How can we trust Iran will hold up their end of the bargain? We all know our country never goes back on its promises, just ask the Natives living on the relatively tiny plots of land we set aside for them after it got a little hard to justify our genocide. Me? I don’t trust anyone unless they’re covered head to toe in red, white, and blue and they’re singing a patriotic song like “God Bless America” or “Boot Scootin’ Boogie.”
You know, that reminds me, I need to find my good boots. I haven’t seen them in quite some time. I wore them when I was out riding some horses a few weeks ago, and now I can’t find them. Where are my boots? I need my boots!
Oh yes — Iran, nukes, Obama, bad.
People, just trust me. If there is anything I know about it’s war. Think of how many hearts and minds we have won over in the last century by starting wars. The people of Vietnam I know from personal experience love us so much they never want to let us go! Look at how much peace and stability we’ve squatted down and released all over the Middle East! Since when is a power vacuum a bad thing? Tell that to the people at Dyson!
Speaking of Dyson, I had some of their lovely frozen chicken nuggets the other night. They were very good. A bit salty, but I can handle a little salt. I’m not some cowardly un-American non-patriot. I also like bread. It’s tasty and warm when it comes right out of the oven. But I am not a fan of almonds in my cookies.
What was I saying?
Oh yeah, as you can tell I’m so in step and in touch with the American people’s feelings about war and life in general that of course I need to roll my dusty old ass up to D.C. one more time. So I’m running for Senate again, yes. Because nothing says “government is too large and plays too large a part in our lives” like being a part of it for a few decades and never ceasing in your efforts to help bring more young American boys home…in caskets. For America. Because Freedom.