The following op-ed piece was submitted to various news and media outlets by the Jeb! campaign. The piece was written by Jeb! in response to criticism he’s faced for his support of drastically overhauling Medicare and Medicaid to the point of them not really looking or functioning like Medicare or Medicaid anymore. The Political Garbage Chute is running the piece in its entirety here as a service to our readers.
“Why the Poor and Elderly Don’t Need Assurances of Getting Medical Care”
My fellow wealthy Americans, I come to you now to speak about a very serious issue. First though, I am sure you noticed that I addressed the entire nation as wealthy. That’s because we all actually are. Oh, sure, the odds are extremely long for most of you to make it out of the middle class — if you can even get there — but don’t let that stop you from buying into the fiscal conservative mantra that we’re all just millionaires waiting for the government to get its foot off our necks so we can start creating jobs. With that out of the way, and everyone in America in acknowledgment of their either current, future, or pipe dream fantasy riches and wealth, let’s dive into this notion that I want to end Medicare as we know it.
I want to end Medicare as we know it. Medicaid too.
There. It’s out there. Now let me tell you why: Because poor and elderly people don’t really need the assurances of getting medical care. They just want it. Just like I don’t need to run for president, I want to run for president. But I’m not asking anyone to give me money to run for president. I’m doing it all on my own —
I’m being told now by campaign staffers that I am in fact taking millions and millions and millions of dollars into my massive campaign war chest. So let’s just pretend that last part didn’t actually come out. Okay? Great. Moving along.
The point I’m trying to make is that we shouldn’t just assume that poor and elderly people need or deserve health care. For starters, every good, clean, conservative, American patriot knows that the only way you end up poor in this country is if you happen to not win the genetic lottery and wind-up at the bottom of the socioeconomic ladder without very much hope to climb out. LOL! J/K. That’s crazy liberal talk. We all know The Poors are Poor because they made bad personal choices and were lazy. So let’s stop worrying about the Poors and focus on the elderly.
Look, I get it. I have two old parents. But you know what? Why can’t every old person be like my parents and luck out, get born into wealth and stay there their whole lives. It’s like, not that hard people. But even still, let’s say not every old person can be expected to have led a life that afforded them a chance to accumulate wealth, and it was not their fault for being poor on purpose, which we all know all poor people do. Let’s say it’s not their fault they’re poor.
What if they’re Nazis? I know, I know. A lot of Republicans have been talking about Nazis lately. But just think about it. We know for a fact former Nazis have collected Social Security. So isn’t it really in our best interests to end Medicare just so we’re not funding Nazis?
But let’s just pretend not all old people are Nazis for a second. It’s a bad decision, but for the sake of argument, okay, not all old people are Nazis. They’re still old. They’re going to die at some point. And since they’re not still in their mothers’ wombs, as a conservative Christian Republican, I don’t actually care if they die. Well, unless a death panel is involved. Then I’m angry and stuff. But otherwise, why can’t the Olds just take a little less medicine for their hearts, livers, and chronic conditions this week? And next week? And the rest of the weeks of their lives?
So let’s just summarize okay? Poor people don’t need healthcare because they’re poor and very probably lazy. Old people don’t need healthcare because they’re going to die soon. The only people, therefore, that really need healthcare are babies. And by “babies” I mean developing fetuses that aren’t viable. Once they’re born, they no longer need medical care. Or food. Or shelter. Well, okay they need them, but no one should help them acquire them. Piles of dead, poor people is preferable to the One Percent paying an extra cent or two on the dollar. Remember that.
Remember, one more time just to wrap it up: Poors are bad, old people are old and neither group really needs medical care. God bless you all, and don’t forget, if there’s one name you can trust in the White House, it’s Bush. Because nothing bad has ever happened during a Bush presidency.