The following was submitted to hundreds of media outlets by former Vice-President Dick Cheney. The Political Garbage Chute decided to run the entire, unedited op-ed for our readers.
Why Isn’t Tom Brady Going to Jail?
by Dick Cheney
Why isn’t Tom Brady going to jail? This is the question that weighs most heavily on my mind and fresh, new heart. I simply cannot think of anything else that I, Dick Cheney, could possibly better spend my time mediating on than the punishment that cheater and liar Tom Brady was handed by the NFL for his alleged participation in the “DeflateGate” scandal that rocked professional football last season. If you ask me, Dick Cheney — a man who profited in the billions from the Iraq War — there is nothing more egregious than lying to a lot of people about something, and there should be no other punishment for lying — about anything — than hard time.
What kind of society do we live in if we let people who we all can tell lied through their teeth about something so important as say, professional sports, get away with it? We cannot be permissive of mendacity. One of the greatest American virtues we all hold so dear is that of honesty and forthrightness. There is nothing honest or forthright about lying, hiding evidence that contradicts your story and falsely claiming one thing happened when something else entirely happened. That is un-American as un-apple pie!
Tom Brady simply must not be allowed to skate with merely a four game suspension. That seems like a really light punishment for his crimes. What’s next? He’ll just go off to some ranch in Texas and paint? Or he’ll go up to his compound in Wyoming and swim in his giant money bin full of treasure earned off the backs of hundreds of thousands of dead human beings? We cannot let Brady’s crimes against football fans, but more so than that his crimes against humanity, so lightly punished.
If we allow the message to be that cheating and lying in this country will only cost you a quarter of your productive earning time, then what kind of message are we sending to the Taliban? To Al-Qaeda, or to ISIS? I didn’t go and destabilize a region just so namby-pamby liberals can go around giving punishments out to football players that don’t include jail time. We destabilized that region so we can give them self-governance in the form of a government we chose for them, and to open their eyes to how much better than them we Americans are. But this bullcrap with Brady is just going to send the wrong message.
I call now on every American patriot to storm the White House and demand that Tom Brady be immediately arrested. Every single American who knows deep down that Dick Cheney can do no wrong, can steer no one astray, is the most honest and forthright leader of men this nation has ever seen, take up arms if you must and demand that your president protect the integrity of all we hold dear.
No, not foreign policy and international relationships. Football. We hold football dear, duh.
Join me, won’t you, my fellow Americans? Do not let the reputation of this great nation be sullied by lies! Do not let the American flag burn, set alight by the embers of a duplicitous flame! I daresay, we cannot rest until Thomas Q. Brady of the New England Patrioteers of the Nationalist Football League is behind cold, iron bars! Of this I am more sure of anything I have ever been sure of, and as my reputation clearly shows I am incapable of being sure of things that aren’t so.
If integrity means as much to you as means to me, you’ll demand Brady is arrested. If honesty means as much to you as it does to me, you’ll demand Brady be put on Death Row for his crimes against humanity. And if democracy, freedom, truth and facts mean as much to you as they do to me, you’ll demand that Tom Brady be given the death penalty for his sins not just against football, but against all Americans everywhere, and probably some Iraqis too.
Yeah, the Iraq War is definitely on him too.