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Published on January 10th, 2014 | by James Schlarmann

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Why Don’t Republicans Just Put Cameras in All Our Pee Holes and Get It Over With?

I’m going to ask what I think is a perfectly sensible question, right off the bat, to start this conversation.

Why don’t Republicans just put cameras in all our pee holes and get it over with?

It’s becoming painfully clear that we really do live in two completely different countries on this continent. Or maybe it’s just more a case of use living in one country but in two totally different versions of reality. I feel like the conservatives in our country live in some alternate universe from “Back to the Future: Part II.” You know — they live in the universe where Biff still has his Sport’s Almanac*.

While most of us live in a world where 2012 proved how the majority of people don’t actually care about their 1850’s Southern Baptist social agenda they’ve been hell bent on for the last thirty years.  But apparently in their version of reality, none of that is the case and they need to get down the business of locking down the nation’s vaginae inventory. Oh, and while they’re at it they might as well keep those pesky, uppity gays from feeling quite so smug and equal and shit.

It’s just creepy at this point, is it not? Congress has been in session this year all of a week, and one of the highest priorities the House GOP has shown thus far has been job creation. No wait. Infrastructure repair. No wait, I remember now: abortion. That’s right, in 2014 the most important thing facing this nation is whether or not we trust a woman with her own vagina. Yesterday an all-male Congressional panel held a hearing on whether or not a woman or small business that purchases health insurance that covers abortions should be denied a tax credit. But hey, at least they provide an exception for rape and incest, or the life of the mother being threatened. Of course this means the IRS — you know, the agency that the conservatives hate the most — would have the power to audit women who claim one of these exceptions.

How very Christian of the House Republicans.

Then there’s Rep. Paul “Ayn Rand’s Most Devoted and Delusional Sycophant” Ryan, who is looking to attach a rider to an appropriations bill allowing employers to simply opt-out of choosing plans that cover abortion and contraception charges on moral grounds. Said the weasel, “I’m fighting for a conscience clause rider on appropriations because I’m very worried about religious freedom.” Apparently what Ryan meant to say was that he’s concerned about shooting his religious freedom all over the bellies and genitalia of the general public, because apparently the personal freedoms guaranteed in the Constitution as they pertain to religious freedoms only apply when you’re trying to enforce your arbitrary moral standards, and not when you want to have something routine like your birth control pills paid for by your insurance company.

If they’re not putting their oh-so-small government inside the panties of America’s women, they’re out snooping into the bedrooms of adults — trying to get a glimpse of who is fucking whom. Because you know, if you happen to find members of your same gender attractive you clearly don’t have any claim to be loved and feel lifelong commitment, right? Surely that has to be thinking of Utah Governor and early front runner for the “Political Garbage Chute’s Tyrannical, Repressive Cockface Award” Gary Herbert. Otherwise, why would he announce that his state would not recognize the hundreds of gay marriages that were performed in the small window between when a Federal judge struck down Utah’s codified bigotry, and the John Roberts Conservative Cream Dream Supreme Court halting gay marriages in the state?

Can anyone out there explain to me why in this day and age we’re still fighting a culture war in our bedrooms? I happen to think that anyone who finds themselves giving all that large a fuck about who someone else is fucking needs to find themselves a new hobby. That being said, I’d be content to let them stew in their own bigotry were there not so goddamned many of them swimming in the muck and mire of elected office. If there weren’t so many of these backwards, wrong-side-of-history dwelling sociopaths I’d probably not care so much who, behind closed doors, says some nasty, vile or just plain stupid and wrong thing about my LGBT friends. But since they insist on trying to cram their theocratic horseshit down our throats, I think we, the American people who are ready to recognize what century we live in, have an obligation to keep reminding them that the separation of church exists as much to protect us from them, as it does to protect them from being persecuted for their own beliefs.

You don’t like abortions? Don’t have one. You don’t like gay sex? Don’t have it. It’s like they’ve all forgotten that they have free will and they can just not partake of the things that others do, if they find them so offensive. Instead they’re content to cloud the dialog with words like “murder” and “the sanctity of life.” Of course, ask them to chip into the tax coffers to help feed and clothe all the unwanted children and you might as well ask them to suck on a syphilitic dick for twenty minutes a day. So I’m not sure where their views of human life being sacred end, but I’m pretty sure it’s right around the time the ob/gyn says, “Okay, one last push!”

If they’re so concerned about what happens with our genitalia when the lights are off, why don’t they just do us all a favor and propose legislation that would mount cameras in our pee holes? That way they can just call up someone’s video stream and see whether what they’re doing with their own private bodies conforms to the Dear Lard’s view of what should be done with our ho-hos and hoo-hoos. It would save us all the hassle and annoyance of hearing someone like Paul Ryan preach to us about morality while he simultaneously votes to give more and more money to the Pentagon and CIA to continue raining death from Predator drones.

America: Land of the Free (Unless You Do Something With Your Penis or Vagina We Don’t Approve Of), and Home of the Brave (But Don’t Get Too Brave With Your Government-Issued Private Parts).

*In no fucking way will I apologize for the sheer geeky-ness of this reference.

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About the Author

James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a left-leaning satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.



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