WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, President Donald Trump welcomed three conservative celebrities to the White House and took several pictures with them in the Oval Office. Half-term Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin, former singer and current assistant lead bag boy at his local supermarket Kid Rock, and reigning National Trouser Soiling Champion Ted Nugent, all took time off from their busy schedules of not being thought about by anyone who matters to visit Trump. During the visit, they mocked former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s portrait, as well.
Now, word out of the White House is that ever since Palin, Rock, and and Nugent visited, the cleaning staff cannot get the smell of gun powder, chewing tobacco, and what aides are calling “stupid” out of the drapes, linens, and anything the three touched.
“It’s so gross in there right now,” one aide told us, “it’s like someone wallowed in rancid bacon fat while watching ‘Hee-Haw’ and jerking off to footage of the Mother of All Bombs dropping in Afghanistan while spitting their dip everywhere. I guess that makes sense since that’s literally what Nugent and Kid Rock did in the Lincoln bedroom.”
Nugent apparently has a thin layer of gun powder on his skin all the time, as he’s never away from a firearm for more than ten minutes without having massive panic attacks, aides say. That residue rubbed off everywhere, and one source said the Oval Office smells like “Wayne LaPierre’s cream dream” now. Kid Rock just kept spitting and missing the special presidential spittoon that Trump had made out of the documents Barack Obama signed when the Affordable Care Act was signed into law.
“Also, not for nothing, but I don’t think Teddy ever changed the pants he got out of Vietnam by shitting in,” one source said, “because he just always smelled like total dook burgers, know what I’m saying?”
But the stench of Palin’s “unmitigated, unfiltered dumb” is what White House staffers say is proving to be the hardest stench to obliterate.
“It’s bad enough that Trump’s stupid keeps washing over everything,” one source said, “but when you add on the metric tonne of derp that Palin brings with her everywhere she goes, I have a feeling it’s always going to feel and smell a lot stupider in this building from now one.”
Asked what, exactly, stupid smells like, our source described it in great detail.
“Imagine if you could walk into the Duggars’ home,” the aide explained, “and somehow capture the smells of that house. Then you add equal parts diarrhea and Breitbart talking points, swirl it around, dump it out on the table, smash it with hammers made of shit, literal feces, and then roll them up into a tube, stuff that tube into a rocket that’s powered by climate change denial and liquid farts, and then blast that rocket into a sewage treatment plant. That’s what Sarah Palin’s dumb smells like.”
“Well,” the aide said, “all that and a hint of Chick-Fil-A frying grease.”
The White House declined to comment on this story.
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