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Funny Business Dick Cheney, War Monger Robot of the Future.

Published on October 25th, 2013 | by James Schlarmann

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When Is Dick Cheney Going To Shut The Fuck Up?


If ever there was a man who embodied his name, it’s former Vice-President Dick Cheney. Every time he opens his mouth since leaving office it’s to criticize the current administration, and while there are plenty of reasons to criticize the Obama White House, ironically most of them happen do to with President Obama’s refusal to put more distance between us and the Cheney Doctrine. The last time the war mongering bionic dickhead of doom flapped his worthless gums about the Obama administration it was to imply they are covering something up about the right-wing’s favorite non-scandal chew toy, Benghazi. That’s right, Dick Cheney — the man who helped orchestrate the Iraq War on lies called someone else a liar. My piece on that subject was appropriately “fuck you”ish in tone.

Now, once again the Dark Lord of the Dick has reared his cybernetic head. This time heaping on even more gob smacking levels of hypocrisy and outright denial of who the hell he is. According to the twisted heart and mind of Richard Cheney, if he had been in charge for the Bin Laden raid, things would have gone differently. That’s right, the man who helped take us into Afghanistan to look for Osama Bin Laden, and then just a few months later decided, “Hey, this is too easy,” (not an entirely made-up quote) and lied us into a war in Iraq now has the balls to step up to the plate and take a swing at one of President Obama’s biggest achievements in his first term.

Apparently the War Monger in Chief of the previous administration was none-too-pleased about the fact that President Obama announced to the world that the mission that Cheney’s administration started and could not finish was complete. According to King Steel Heart the Pricky, “You don’t go out and broadcast the fact that you’ve got the guy. You want to take that intelligence and be able to exploit it over the next few nights, and wrap up large parts of the network.” Oh, no you didn’t, Dick.

Oh, yes he did.  “They were in such a hurry to go out … and announce victory, that I’m convinced that they probably did not get maximum damage out of the intel that they had captured.”

So there you have it. Dick Cheney — the military mastermind who never served a day in any branch of the armed forces in his life – is “convinced” that we didn’t get everything out of the Bin Laden raid that we could. This man’s commentary on this particular issue is especially galling. Firstly, again, this man has no military experience, other than sending my friends off to die for his profit margins. This old robot’s only connection to military prowess is when he’d make out with Donald Rumsfeld as they went over debrief notes for the Iraq Profit Margin Campaign.  His administration’s foreign policy — and dare I say it war-making — legacy is atrocious.

It’s like a lifetime .200 hitter pulling aside Ted Williams and telling him he’s pulling the ball too much.

Here’s the thing that really should irk everyone about Cheney’s comments — things definitely would have been different if he and Bush had captured or killed Osama bin Laden. Namely, President Barack Obama wouldn’t have had to. It’s like Dick can’t help himself. He has to be a hypocritical half-human, half-cyborg. Even Dubya has done a damn-sight better job shutting up and staying out of the spotlight. Bush has done such a good job at fading into the shadows that you almost forgive him for the fuckups, because you have Big Daddy Dicky Boy out there digging his finger into Obama’s ear every chance he gets.

The problem is that with every cold steel digit he puts in just reminds us all how abhorrent those eight years really were. It’s not surprising of course. We’ve come to find out that the information feedback loop that the conservatives live in is a force field that is just about impossible to break through. They were all convinced that “momentum” would counteract every single poll that showed Romney was going to lose and lose big, because you know, oversampling or something. I’m not sure if they still think the shutdown was a good idea, but considering that pollsters are now calling nearly 40 House Republicans’ seats as being in danger of flipping – Golden Boy Paul Ryan’s included — they’d do best to crack the bubble for some air; and soon.

You know who Cheney reminds me of right now? Bobby Valentine, the former Red Sox manager who was fired in the off-season last year because from what I gather pretty much everyone in Boston had figured out he was Kryptonite for their team. But Valentine clearly sips from the same self-aggrandizing Kool-Aid as Cheney because in a recent interview, he actually said he felt like he could have guided the Sox to the World Series this year too. Clearly everyone in the organization disagreed with Valentine because firing him was pretty much the only major change they made in the off season. The same thing applies to Cheney. Clearly we had to fire him, and his party, from the Executive in order to get someone in there who could focus on getting the primary mission accomplished.

It is certainly more than delusion that drives Cheneybot 5000 to pontificate on what the Obama White House is doing. There’s good ol’ fashioned hubris involved as well. It takes an ego the size of a tyrannosaurus to lie a country into a war and think you can get away with it (sadly, it looks like he’s going to). It takes balls the size of Montana to orchestrate the catastrophe that was the Iraq War, which literally took us away from hunting Bin Laden down, to turn around and then have any negative things to say about the people who actually wiped your mess for you.

It takes a real egomaniac to be part of the administration that put a president on a fighter jet, flew him onto the deck of an aircraft carrier with a giant banner behind him declaring “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” and then not only continue fighting that same war for nearly a decade longer, but to actually not accomplish any mission you start. The Afghanistan War? Still going (and really President Obama?). The Iraq War? Obama had to see it through to its “conclusion.” Bin Laden? Well, we all know who got Bin Laden don’t we? So does Dick Cheney, and ultimately that’s why he had to say something. Shame. He must’ve been programmed for shame at the lab or something, because clearly the fact that he and his team were utter failures, and the worst gaggle of morons to occupy the White House in our lifetimes doesn’t sit well with him so he has to lash out, while a healthy dose of “shutting the fuck up” would be the prescription he needs to start taking.

Sadly, I don’t know when Dick Cheney is going to shut the fuck up, but probably not until after he’s dead. And with all the hardware he’s got propping him up now, that bastard’s going to outlive us all. It’ll just be Cheney and the cockroaches when it’s all said in done.

So just cockroaches, I guess.

 

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About the Author

James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a left-leaning satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.



  • JerryBallew

    Now we get the idea where the Zombie Invasion came from. It’s the irrelevant face shooter Cheney digging himself out of an obscure grave and drooling back to life on the national stage during slow news days.

  • Martin

    DC fading irrelevant ignore.

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