FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — Shock waves reverberated through the pro-gun community as one of its most outspoken voices announced some rather surprising personal news this week.
“I stand before you today,” National Rifle Association Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre told a group of reporters outside the NRA’s national headquarters in Fairfax, Virginia, “to announce some very personal news. My wife and I have decided that it is time for a divorce. I was the one who requested it, and she very lovingly understood that it was time to move on and go our separate ways.” LaPierre said he is willing to “split everything 50/50” with his wife, but she is not entitled to any of his “glorious, beautiful and benevolent firearms,” and one gun in particular is “especially off-limits” to her.
Calling it his “old, trusty partner in all things,” LaPierre picked up his favorite rifle, a semi-automatic Bushmaster AR-15, and showed it to the reporters.” According to Mr. LaPierre, he was working late in his gun vault one night, polishing every single trigger until they reached their “perfect, glistening state” in his words, when he caught a glimpse of the AR-15 in the corner of his eye, and he “just couldn’t take his eyes off of her.”
“She’s hard, firm, and has just the right amount of play on the trigger to where she doesn’t go off too easily, but can be coaxed ever so gently into releasing one for you,” LaPierre said, the spittle forming in the corner of his mouth while he became visibly antsy behind the podium. At several points while he described how his AR-15 looked that night, he was seen physically stopping himself from putting his hands down his pants.
Things got awkward, Mr. LaPierre told reporters, when he “felt so turgid” in his “happy happy parts” that he couldn’t help but drop his pants and insert his manhood into the barrel of his AR-15. “I can’t describe for you the feelings I felt,” he said, “and they ranged from amazeballs to not-so-amazeballs. I mean, I was cheating on my wife, with one of my most beloved guns. Who was I? Who had I become? Was I really fucking my gun? Was I going to finish at full climax and shoot my webby, dusty procreational fluids down the barrel of my gun,” he asked rhetorically before answering with a blunt, “Yes I was, and yes I sure the fuck did.”
“That’s when my wife walked in on me,” LaPierre said, “and I really thought she was going to let me have it. She’d caught me with my pants down, balls deep in the AR-15, and she was obviously not sure what to say.” LaPierre said that after a few more moments, she let him finish and then told him that she was “only surprised it hasn’t been happening the whole time and with all the guns.” He said she was surprisingly “understanding about the whole thing” and agreed to “make the divorce as quick and easy as possible” on him.
Reporters asked LaPierre if he felt this was a decision he was making now in the heat of the moment that he might regret later. They asked if he could get everything he needed out of an inanimate object like his AR-15. “I don’t need a wife; I can fit my shriveled dick inside the barrel of my rifle just fine, thank you very much,” LaPierre responded, adding, “and as every good, clean, God fearing, gun toting, ammo hoarding, Christian, red-white-and-blue-flag waving American patriot knows, guns can literally give you all the emotional support you need. They can literally be everything and anything you need them to be. Want them to help you build your house? They can do that. Want them to walk you dog? Guns can totally that. I don’t need anything else in the whole entire world except my guns. And my ammo. And my guns. I said guns twice because I love guns that much.”