HOBART, ARKANSAS — Sensing that his preferred candidate may not win, Clem O’Connell decided to take one of his most precious keepsakes from the 2016 presidential election and, as he put it, “forever memorize it in history” by creating a new family heirloom out of it.

“I’m gonna take my Make America Great Again hat and turn it into a commemorative hood,” Clem told listeners of his Totally Biased America podcast series this weekend,”because even if Trump loses, I still want to be able to wear his message as often as possible.” That means, Clem said, turning the hat into something he’d wear “at least once a week.”

Clem told his podcast listeners and viewers that while he’ll be sad if and when Trump loses, he plans to “keep the lowercase T’s that Trump lit up in this country” burning for years to come. He said that he’ll always be “grateful to that orange sack of piss” for “reawakening the masses” and “finally reminding white people they’re the real victims.”

“For so long,” Clem said, “the plight of the poor, picked-upon white dude has been largely ignored during presidential campaigns. But he has started a fire, and I plan to keep the lowercase T’s that trump lit up in this country ablaze for long as I can.”




Mr. O’Connell said that in addition to turning his hat into a hood, he’s also started several new Twitter accounts, which he plans to use to troll “libtards, Jews, Mexicans, the Blacks, LGBTs, and libtarded Jewish Mexican Black Gays.”

“Don’t think just because our orange-tinted protofascist lost that we’ll go quietly into the night,” Clem said, “because we may hide behind fake avatar pictures and pseudonyms so we don’t have to face the consequences of being racists in 2016, but we’re brave as fuck, I tell you! You’ll never get rid of us!”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.