HOBART, ARKANSAS — Clem O’Connell is a lifelong Republican who didn’t cast “a single, solitary vote” for President Barack Obama in either the 2008 or 2012 election, and he says he has no intention of voting for Hillary Clinton in just a couple of weeks. Instead, what’s giving Clem pause these days is figuring whether Obama being black, or Clinton being a woman, is more dangerous to the American way of life.
“There’s no doubt that race relations in this country are at an all-time low,” Clem said, “because even though there’s no slavery or Jim Crow, black people are complaining a lot about stuff like being shot by cops when they’re unarmed, or stopped for potential violations of laws that don’t carry the death penalty in convicted.”
Clem says that in his mind, it’s all Obama’s fault that things for African-Americans aren’t “completely better.” Mr. O’Connell also blames Obama for inspiring so much overt racism to come out of his Republican Party by “being so unapologetically black.”
“I mean, dude’s got a white side,” Clem said, “why couldn’t he make us white folk feel more comfortable by tapping into his white side more? Is that so much to ask? Clearly, Obama’s skin color influenced him to act more black than white, which made white people like me feel jealous of the special attention we presume black folks are now getting, which in turn makes our more racist friends more vocal, and of course that’s Obama’s fault…for them being racists…clearly.”
But if Obama’s skin color was dangerous for American society, Clem thinks Hillary’s “lady parts” might give the U.S. a “kiss of death.”
“Vaginas mean you are more emotionally driven,” Clem said, “you know, if you have one and all. And can we really trust a vagina haver with control over the armed forces? At least when men start wars it’s for good causes like profits and finishing a family beef with Saddam Hussein, know what I mean? For all we know, Hillary’s lady parts might give us all the kiss of death.”
Clem posited several scenarios in which Clinton’s genitalia might cause “massive problems” for America.
“What if her vagina wants to confiscate all our guns,” Clem asked, “or what if it suddenly decides the First Amendment is null and void? Do you really want Hillary’s vagina running around the country, forcing people to clam up?”
Ultimately, Mr. O’Connell feels that Trump may have inadvertently given “great advice” to Americans in the now infamous, so-called “Trump Tapes.”
“Hey, if you’ve got a clearly lawless criminal in the White House,” Clem said, though when pressed he couldn’t name a single specific law Clinton has broken, “and that criminal also has woman bits, maybe you got no other option to save the country than to grab her by the pussy and haul her into court. I’m sure she’ll be impeached, just like her husband. For what? I don’t know that it particularly matters. It’s like when my pappy would beat me senseless and then tell me he did it for all the times I did stuff and didn’t get caught. And if it was completely morally correct for him to do it, it’s completely morally correct for us to do it to her just because we don’t like that we keep losing elections to Democrats.”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.