WASHINGTON, D.C. — With just a matter of minutes left before he took the oath of office, Donald J. Trump wasn’t sure how to open his inaugural address. He knew, sources close to him say, that he wanted to break the ice with a joke, but he just wasn’t sure which joke to start with. People with knowledge of the situation say it was a “tense” moment for the alleged-billionaire.
“I’m just not sure which joke to use,” Trump reportedly told his wife Melania, who was on her smartphone looking up VRBO rentals in states far, far away from the White House. When Trump could see Melania wasn’t even sure what he was talking about, he waved her off and summoned his daughter Ivanka to him.
Mr. Trump took Melania’s hand. He looked deep into her eyes. He smiled.
“My sweet, beautiful, hot as fuck Ivanka,” Trump smiled lovingly at his daughter, but almost too lovingly, “you always know how to help me. You’ve always been able to give me such great release…from my stress. FROM MY STRESS EVERYONE, SHEESH! Anyway, help me my beautiful piece of ass of a daughter, won’t you?”
Trump handed his daughter four index cards. Each card had a separate racist joke Trump had been telling at Mar-A-Lago’s Christmas Party for the last fifteen years. Ivanka recognized the jokes, and begged her father to reconsider.
“But, Dadddyyyyyyyyy! The mean reporters will make fun of you for making racist jokes,” Ivanka said, “and then we have to answer tough questions like, ‘Why is your dad racist?’ and ‘How come he looks at you like he wants to taste your nethers?’ That’s, like, so hard to do, Daddddyyyyy.”
Soon-to-be President Trump could see Ivanka wasn’t going to help him. He tried Kellyanne Conway but she was still having Ben Carson remove her conscience from her brain. Trump had an idea.
“Bannon! Steve, get your ass over here,” Trump called for Steve Bannon, a Breitbart News executive who became one of Trump’s most trusted advisers.
Trump handed over the index cards to Bannon, who read each joke and laughed tremendously hard.
“These are great Don,” Bannon exclaimed, “they’re real classics. But this is a new era, dude. You need newer, fresher jokes. To show the American people you’re not a relic.”
Bannon and Trump spent fifteen minutes coming up with three new racist jokes. After a brief discussion, they decided that Trump being on the dais is in itself enough of a racist joke, and so they decided to just let Donald give the speech he was going to give, without any additional jokes thrown in.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.