NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Since being elected in November, President-Elect Donald J. Trump has tweeted his displeasure with the cast and crew of “Saturday Night Live” mocking him on multiple occasions, including just last night.
Just tried watching Saturday Night Live – unwatchable! Totally biased, not funny and the Baldwin impersonation just can't get any worse. Sad
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 4, 2016
In response, executives at NBC and the producers of SNL announced this morning that they are going to alter the show’s broadcast slightly to accommodate the man who will soon be the most powerful person in the world.
“Clearly we have a massive triggering effect on Mr. Trump,” SNL co-executive producer Haley Miles told reporters during an early Sunday morning conference call, “and so we’ll be adding a Trump Trigger Warning to every broadcast of our satirical comedy show that has lampooned every president since it began in 1975. ”
NBC’s Deputy Chief in Charge of Late Night Programming told reporters was on the line during the call and told the media that the network and the people who run SNL feel they have a “duty to protect the country and indeed the world from the ramifications of Trump’s tantrums.”
“Right now, it’s just a tweet tantrum about Alec Baldwin’s spot-on Trump impression,” William Seaborn told reporters, “but once he’s in office, who knows if he’ll declare full-bore nuclear war on 30 Rockefeller Center, or if he’ll outlaw satire by executive order.”
Miles echoed Seaborn’s sentiments and concerns.
“When we trigger Trump, like we so clearly can by simply pointing out how obviously ill-prepared and unconventionally weird his transition has gone thus far,” Miles said, “who knows if he’ll get so mad he slams his fist down on the desk and accidentally hits the big red button? I won’t be able to sleep at night if we do a Trump cold open and wake up to find he’s nuked Idaho.”
Beginning with next week’s broadcast, Seaborn said, just before the show begins with its signature “cold open” sketch that traditionally ends with someone or some people shouting, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night,” a white screen with red text will flash up, alerting President-Elect Trump to avert his eyes and ears. Seaborn said the full text of the trigger warning hasn’t been finalized, but he said he and SNL producers have a general idea about what it should say.
“Obviously these warnings would also let the rest of the world know the most powerful man in the free world is about to have a massive meltdown and tantrum and they should seek shelter until the morning hours come,” Miles told the press.
“Something along the lines of,” Seaborn mused, “‘Hey, Mr. President, we’re going to use comedy and satire to point out your gross incompetence and obvious lack of preparedness for the job, so in order to stave off a World War III over your hurt feelings, please turn to Fox News and masturbate as per usual.'”
“Obviously, his hands aren’t the only tiny thing he has,” Miles said, “because his sense of humor seems to be completely missing. But that’s okay. He’s not the first totally thin-skinned autocrat who wants to silence dissent with fascistic tantrums. Depending on how he governs, he might be the last, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.”
Mr. Trump could not be reached for comment as he was in a Twitter flame war with a 22 year old stand-up comic from Long Island who called him an “orange bag of diarrhea and Swastikas.”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.