Trump To Give Harvey Victims 20% of What He Offered for Obama’s American Birth Certificate

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The cost for cleaning up after the devastation and destruction caused to the Gulf Coast by Hurricane Harvey may never be able to be accurately predicted. Harvey dumped more than 9 trillion gallons of water on the southern coast of the United States, and the simple truth is that the various infrastructures and system built to handle extreme weather in the region were simply over matched by the sheer force of Harvey. Yesterday, President Donald Trump announced that he would be donating personal money to the rebuilding and recovery efforts.

“Yes, I’m going to give the relief effort one million dollars! Isn’t that quite charitable of me? I think so, and I know you all do too,” Trump told the media as he was leaving the White House for his traditional morning coffee, doughnut, hamburger, six pack of Coke, gram of coke, hot dog, nacho cheese dipped deep fried lard run.

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Trump told the press he’s always been the “bigliest giver and most charitable” person he’s known.

“Honestly, I sometimes ask myself, Don who’s the most charitable guy you know,” Trump said, “and without any hesitation, I always say, ‘You are,’ right after. So how could it be anyone but me?”

The president was asked by a reporter if he was worried about the donation impacting his personal bottom line. Trump laughed.

“Of course not,” Trump said, “I’ve been doing pretty okay for myself since I became president. I’m told, because you know, I’m definitely NOT still helping to run my businesses since that’d be a conflict of interest, that Trump Enterprises is doing quite well, indeed, since I was sworn in. So, yeah, I can afford this. Or at least, you guys can.”

Though some have criticized Trump for being an alleged billionaire and not donating more of his own money to the relief effort, the president dismisses those concerns.

“I’m sorry, but that’s FAKE NEWS,” Trump bellowed, “Because I gave a crapton of money to those hurricane jerks! Let me put it to you another way, perhaps one you can understand.”

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Trump produced five one dollar bills from his pocket.  He held them up to the reporters and told them each dollar represented a million dollars. He put them in a stack in his right palm.

“See this? This is the five million bucks I promised to give to charity if Barack Obama could prove he was born in America, okay,” Trump said.

Then Trump took one of the dollars off the stack in his right hand and kept it in his left.

“Now, this is one dollar is what I gave to the buttholes who were like, in the flooding or whatever, okay,” Trump said.

For thirty seconds he showed his left hand to the press, then his right hand.

“So you see, I gave them a full TWENTY PERCENT of the Blacky McDemocrat fake-out cash,” Trump said, “That means no matter how you look at it, I care a full one-fifth as much about taking care of hurricane victims as I do about proving a racist lie is true!”

Trump explained himself further.

“Look, we all know how much I wanted that Birther thing to be real, okay,” Trump said, “Like to say bigly would be a bigly understatement. The bigliest, really, ever. There are a lot of people who need some charity, and I would never touch my Prove The Black Guy is African cash for them. So come one, give me some credit, will yas?”

Reached for comment and asked if Obama would give Trump some credit for his donation, Obama just laughed for five straight minutes, pissed his pants, and then hung up, simply saying, “What the fuck, lol” as he did.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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