HOBART, ARKANSAS — City council member and staunch Republican Clem O’Connell, a red “Make America Great Again” hat perched perfectly atop his head, told reporters outside his home this weekend that he was angry disappointed in Colin Kaepernick. The NFL quarterback has chosen to not stand when the national anthem is played before his games this year. O’Connell says Kaepernick’s “disrespect toward the brave men who fought to secure his freedoms” is further evidence that the country needs Donald J. Trump as president so he can help make the country great again.
“America is really terrible right now,” Clem told the media, “what with the Black Lives Matter terrorists telling us we have to stop letting cops kill black suspects for no reason, the uppity gays getting the same exact rights we’ve enjoyed for 240 years, trans people wanting to poop and pee without an audience staring over their shoulder, and Obamacare ruining the economy every single day. America, frankly sucks ass right now. But that’s not excuse for Kaepernick to sit down during our national anthem, because America is perfect!”
The reporters in attendance of the press conference, confused by O’Connell’s seeming doublespeak and asked him about it.
“It’s not that hard to figure out here,” Clem said, condescension dripping from his tone, “but maybe you libtarded lamestream media types have a hard time with simple concepts. So let me break it down for you.”
Clem brought out a whiteboard with an American flag drawn on it.
“This is our flag,” Clem said,”and it represents the greatest country to ever be.” Clem then drew the U.S. Capitol rotunda. “And this,” he said, “is the evil disgusting government who is making America the worst country ever.” Clem then drew a football helmet. “It’s not right for Colin Kaepernick to say America has problems,” Clem said, “he’s not a white, conservative male. We’re the only ones allowed to say this country sucks, because we’re the only ones who truly get what America is about. It’s just that simple. America is perfect unless you’re a white conservative.”
The reporters asked Clem for his thoughts on police brutality against members of the African-American community, the main reason Kaepernick has stated for not standing during the anthem.
“What exactly gives Kaepernick the right to protest in this way,” Clem asked, “even if I agree that the disproportionate number of black suspects that end up dead after interactions with police is somehow indicative of a larger problem. He’s simply not allowed to criticize this government and country of ours unless he knows what’s really bad about it. Since he’s not white or conservative, he’s automatically in the wrong.”
Sensing that the reporters were going to ask it, Clem immediately addressed if he’s racist.
“No, I’m not racist,” Clem said, “I just thing blacks are inherently more violent and poor because they have a cultural acceptance of being lazy thanks to welfare. Also I believe that they have too many broken homes, even though there are like, millions more broken white homes, but you know…HEY WHAT’S THAT SHINY OBJECT OVER THERE!”
The press conference ended abruptly as Mr. O’Connell went running into the horizon, chasing after the shiny object that had caught his eye.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.