Presidential Log –
I think that’s how I should start it anyway, don’t you? Kinda like that Star Wars thing Kirk would do on the Enterprise every time?
Kelly Anne? Steve? Steve? Steve…can you tear yourself away from that Nazi paraphernalia eBay auction for two minutes and advice me godddamnit? I have the fucking voice to text thing going already and I can read this shit as I’m saying it. It’s very weird. Very, very, very, very weird. Freaking me out a little Steve. Like. I. Say something and almost immediately it. Shows. Up. On my iPad screen. Jesus Christ that’s creepy, guys. Is there some Sharia bullshit going on with all the tech in this White House now?
It’s a what now? Commonly used technology for years? I’ll take your word for it Stevey. Take your word for it. Okay, anyway, let me just get back to making this kick-off, debut, premiere entry in my very real, very personal, presidential diary. This thing is gonna end up in a friggin’ presidential library one day…so I gotta make sure it’s a really, really spectacular entry. And of course it will be. Because it’s me, baby. Trump is synonymous with erudition and wise, sagacious speech that puts me in the pantheon of orators.
Oh, sorry, I forgot to hit the pause button when those drugs you put me on to make me always talk like I’m having a mild stroke wear off, Stevey Boy. Sorry about that. Please don’t tell Vlad okay? Shit. Where’s the goddamned stop and erase on this…fucking…
Oh fuck it, I’ll just start over and we’ll edit it later.
I HEREBY DECREE AN OFFICIAL PRESIDENTIAL DO-OVER!
This uh, presidenting thing is pretty, pretty sweet. I have to say. It’s good to be da king, if you know what I mean. I have to say, all my fears, all my worries that I was grossly and dangerously unqualified for such an important job that requires such a calm, rational demeanor have been put to rest. In just about a week, thanks to being told over and over again that I can do whatever I want, I did whatever I wanted.
I got my Muslim Ban. I fired an Attorney General for taking a principled stand based on her valid interpretation of the law because it defied me. I haven’t released my taxes and never, ever will. I ever got to bungle my very first Navy SEAL operation…whoops. And guess what? Steve and Kelly and the drugs are right! I can do whatever the fuck I want, and since Republicans in Congress are just boner-happy over their chance to control government, there are no consequences and my supporters think I just won!
That’s a Presidential Trumping®!
That Yates broad sure did piss me off. I mean, sure, she swore to uphold the Constitution, and in her own confirmation hearing incoming Attorney General Jeff Sessions even grilled her about standing up to a presidential order she doesn’t agree with, but that was then. This is now. I’m president. I get to make the rules. I’m boss. I hire, and I fire. And well, if you don’t show your fealty and allegiance to me — excuse me, the country — then you’re of no use to me, or the country. So, she’s FIRED®!
To be honest, though, this presidenting thing hasn’t been all roses and sunshine and daughter vaginas. It’s been hard too! I mean, I’m used to being up at 4am and tweeting bullshit, but now people are really, really paying attention! I can’t get away with a misspelling. I can’t even harmlessly retweet racist and debunked crime stats without a million people jumping down my throat.
Having been in this job for a week, I almost feel bad about how I treated that nice colored man who lived here before me. I was just playing the heel, like in wrestling. I was playing the bard of the bad guy and I was just trying to make myself more popular with a racist lie. Now that I have had that polite, well-mannered colored boy’s job for a week, I’m very close to saying I’m sorry for how I treated him.
WHAT?! WHAT’S THAT STEVE? THE ROBES AND HOODS ARE HERE?! GREAT! CALL ME DOWN WHEN THE WOODEN, LOWERCASE T’S GET HERE, I’M STILL DOING THIS FUCKING DIARY THING YOU INSISTED I DO!
Now, where was I? Um. Oh boy, I forgot. And I’m getting hungy. When Donny get hungy, Donny get cranky. So I’m going to go now.
All Hail Me.
Okay and now I…click…where’s the End button? Where’s the fucking end button? Goddamn it…
STEVE! KELLYANNE! HOW THE SHIT DO I TURN OFF THIS VOICE TO TEXT BULLSHIT?
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.