NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Republican presidential nominee and walking, talking anti-diarrheal pill advertisement Donald J. Trump told reporters this morning he is ready to make a “general election pivot,” and that he hopes it will signal to voters everywhere that he’s “way less racist than people think, though still racist in case they think that’s good.”
“Every presidential candidate spends the primary seasons riling up their base,” Trump said outside his apartment building during a press conference, “and then pivots to the center what’s that’s over. You saw Mitt Romney try it in 2012 after his forty-seven percent video was leaked. Now, it’s my turn. And no one, I mean no one, pivots like Donald Trump pivots.”
Trump told reporters he plans to pivot away from the “hardcore racism” he embraced in the primaries to win the support of the Republican base, and will turn to a more “palatable, subtle racism” that people have grown more accustomed to over the years.
“I want to talk about welfare queens and a cultural acceptance and addiction to welfare,” Trump said, “and maybe retweet white supremacists only once or twice a week now, instead of daily. Also, I will probably have the White Genocide t-shirts I had made only handed out at certain rallies in certain cities.”
Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton may have forced Donald to pivot sooner and harder than he had initially wanted to, he also told reporters. He said that during Clinton’s speech on the “alt-right” and its influence on Trump and his campaign, it “hit [him] like a ton of dicks” that he done “way too good a job” of riling up the base and that he didn’t want to “lose just because” of racist undertones.
“I want to lose because I’m a horribly unqualified candidate with terrible ideas given to me by crackpot white nationalists,” Trump said, “not just because I’m a white nationalist. See? It’s a subtle difference, but a difference I want to embrace.”
The alleged billionaire and confirmed shart in human form gave the media two concrete examples of the changes they’ll see in his tone and rhetoric.
“For starters,” Trump said, “no more warming up the crowd with my hilarious joke about Mexicans in a boat and what you call it when there’s four of them in there and the boat is leaky,” Trump said, “and secondly, I will cancel the giant, flaming T’s I had planned to buy and install on election day, to help my supporters find the polls. Apparently some wussies have said that’s kinda racist, though I don’t know why. It’s just a big, flaming, lowercase T.”
Ultimately, Trump says he’s walking a very “delicately balanced tight rope,” and he’s hoping he can “make everyone from the mildly discriminatory to the full-blown racist happy.”
“You know this is pretty hard,” Trump said, “being a Republican presidential candidate. You have to be convincingly racist, without being overtly convincingly racist. It’s a delicately balanced tight rope act I’m doing, and I just hope I can make everyone from the mildly discriminatory to the full-blown racist happy. I’m not used to pleasing anyone but myself, and only then with pictures of myself pleasing myself in my 30’s…wait what? Anyway, bing-bang-boom, Trump 2016, suck it haters! PEACE!”
The Clinton campaign could not be reached for comment.
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