Trump Campaign Hires Ryan Lochte As Truth Adviser

Team Trump hires Ryan Lochte for a special assignment.

ASH MILL, NORTH CAROLINA — While speaking to a campaign stop crowd outside a seafood restaurant, Donald J. Trump announced that his campaign has hired embattled Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte as a special adviser on the subject of the truth and telling it.

Speaking to a large group of North Carolinians in front of Fast Fish, Trump said that he was “really very honored” that Lochte accepted his invitation to join Team Trump. He said that having a “man of Ryan’s obvious character and principle” would be a great addition to his team. Trump also said that Lochte would “probably fit right in with the rest of us, if the stories about him are true.”

“Ryan is clearly the kinda guy we want around us,” Trump said, “and he’ll make one hell of a truth adviser. He’s a winner, first and foremost. That is a prerequisite to be on my team. We’re all winners. Every single one of us. Best winners ever.”

But Trump’s desire to have Locthe on his campaign staff goes beyond the swimmer’s Gold Medal pedigree.

“I like that he understands the rules don’t apply to him,” Trump said, “I can relate to that. I really can. When you’re at the top of your game, like Ryan and I both clearly are, you understand that regular people just don’t — and frankly shouldn’t — play by the rules you play by. It’s rarefied air up here, I tell you.”




After the rally, reporters peppered Trump with questions about Lochte’s recent issues during the Olympics in Rio. Lochte had tried to fabricate a story of a robbery at gunpoint to cover up a likely drunken fight he and other members of the swim team go into with a gas station security guard. Trump waved those concerns off.

“In the Trump Campaign, we call those white lies,” Trump said, “mostly because we’re all white and lie a lot, but also because lies don’t matter unless you’re CROOKED HILLARY lying about everything, literally everything, ever. But honestly — when Ryan joins our team he’ll be the least mendacious one of us all. In fact, that’s why we’re hiring him. Sure, he’s a proven liar, but he lies so much less than we do, we figure he might be able to give us some tips about telling the truth, since he obviously can’t tell a believable lie to save his life, or you know, keep him out of trouble with authorities.”

Lochte could not be reached for comment.


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