WASHINGTON, D.C. — While leaving the White House to go get lunch at Hardee’s, Co-President Donald J. Trump stopped to address the press pool.

“Hey, I just wanted to let you all know that I really meant it today when I said I call my own shots,” Trump said, “and Pence told me it’s totally fine to come out here and remind you all of that fact. So here I am, doing what he told me I can do.”

Trump, not stopping to take questions or even take much of a breath, continued.

“It’s just really kind of sad that you all think I wouldn’t be the ones calling the shots,” Trump yelled, “because the buck absolutely stops with me. Steve Bannon told me that I can come out here and remind you all of that little phrase, okay? So here I am, doing what Steve told me to do. But only because I wanted to do it, okay? I asked him if I can, and he said I can.”

A clearly rushed, rattled, and breathless Trump rambled on.

“I call you fake news because you falsely report stuff,” Trump said, “like when you imply that I’m not the one making all the presidentialish decisions around here! That’s just utter nonsense. And you know, Vladimir said I can totally come out here and berate you for it. Don’t get mad me, okay? Vlad said I can. So when he told me I can come out here and tell you all off, I decided to come out here and tell you all off.”

Hyperventilating and hurried, Co-President Trump didn’t slow down one bit.

“And another thing,” Trump said, “even if I did get help from people, it’s not like I’m just, you know, going off to bed while raids are being conducted that go tits up and get civilians and Navy SEALs killed, am I?”

A reporter told him that yes, in fact that very thing had happened during the botched Yemeni raid last week. Trump paused. Then he quickly waved his hands and moved on.

“The bottom line, people of the so-called free press,” Trump said, “is that you can’t just report about me freely. You cannot just use my words and my actions against me. You cannot say that I didn’t know what was in an order I signed just because I didn’t know what was in an order I signed.”

Another reporter produced a copy of the Constitution, handed it to Trump, and pointed out the First Amendment.

“Well, goddamnit, okay,” Trump said, “but I don’t want to get sidetracked here. The bottom line is that every poll that goes against me is false, every poll that goes against me is good. Period. That’s how polling and data works, okay? I have the best data. Everyone knows that. Many people say I’ve got great data. And my data always says I’m right, as it should when you pay enough for it.”

The press pool, stunned into silence, let Trump go on.




“So the bottom line, motherfuckers,” Trump said, “and I get to call you motherfuckers because I’m president and Mama always told me when I was president I could do anything I wanted to…anyway, the point motherfuckers, is that as long as Steve, Mike, and Vladimir say I can, I call all my own shots! Report that, motherfuckers!”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.