WASHINGTON, D.C. — In Virginia last night, President Donald Trump addressed the nation and laid out a new plan for the war in Afghanistan. Now officially the country’s longest running war, the conflict in Afghanistan started with cruise missiles launched into the country just weeks after the 9/11 attacks, and has dragged on for over a decade and a half since. For years, while his predecessor was in office, Trump frequently tweeted about needing to end the conflict and bring the troops home, but in his speech in Virginia, Trump called for the complete and total opposite — a commitment of more troops, not less.
The president’s critics are skeptical of his ability to execute any plan, much less one that calls for the service of more young Americans. Trump’s presidency thus far has been marred by an ongoing probe not only into his campaign’s potential collusion with Russia last year, but also a criminal obstruction of justice investigation, run by a special counsel appointed by the FBI, as well as several key failures in the courts and in Congress to advance his agenda. This morning, as he was leaving the White House to go on his regularly scheduled, daily doughnut, coffee, hot dog, nacho, pizza, hamburger, and nacho cheese hotdog pizza run, Trump talked to reporters and explained that his plan was formulated with the help of “many bigly important people.”
“Of course I am smart enough to make all the plans myself,” Trump began, “and believe me, I thought about it. But I decided to consult people anyway, just in case I hear an idea I want to steal and take credit for, or whatever.”
Trump explained that he deliberated “long and hard, like how [he] ends up around Ivanka” about the war in Afghanistan. Initially, he had decided to watch old “G.I. Joe” cartoons and episodes of “M*A*S*H*” to use as inspiration, but someone in his administration told him they have the joint chiefs of staff for a reason. Trump decided to cautiously trust that aide and enlist the counsel of the various heads of the armed forces for advice.
“They were great, really great,” Trump said, “and I got the sense they believe I’m a great military mind. I could just, you know, sense that they could sense how much more gooder I’d be at it than that black guy who came before me.”
The president, however, didn’t just rely on the counsel of the joint chiefs.
“I made sure to ask my bone spurs about what I should do in Afghanistan,” Trump explained, “because they kept me safe in Vietnam. I figured they’d be good to ask about Afghanistan. You know, for perspective and shit.”
President Trump said he trusts his bone spurs “prolly more than anyone else in the world,” and he’s hoping he can convince his administration to have the same level of faith in them as well.
“They’re absolutely marvelous,” Trump said, “and they always know when they’re needed, and when they should, say, go away and never be heard from for a few decades. I tell you, my bone spurs sure do know how to get me out of a tight jam, and what tighter jam is there than Afghanistan?”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell peeked out from his shell and said he’s “totally good” with whatever Trump comes up with as long as he promises to help cut taxes for the rich.
“He could shoot someone on 5th Avenue after performing a late term abortion on a Christian coal mining couple who served two tours in Iraq,” McConnell said, “and I’d be on his team as long as he promised we’d get tax cuts for my rich friends done. Because, you know, principles, or whatever.”