WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just hours after one of his spokespeople told Good Morning America that he rejected FBI Director James Comey’s assertion that President Barack Obama did not order surveillance of Trump Tower during last year’s election, the Co-President Donald Trump announced that he was also rejecting Comey’s assertion that the sky is blue.
“The other day I was on the phone with Comey,” Trump told reporters as he was signing an executive order officially declaring Fridays as “Flip-Up” days, “and he told me though it was a beautiful day because the sun was shining and not a cloud could be seen our beautiful, blue sky. Well, now that I know I can’t trust Comey to tell me the truth I need to hear, I have to say I question everything that comes out of his mouth, folks, everything.”
Mr. Trump said he no longer trusts Comey and only believes what he reads on Breitbart and InfoWars. Last week, Breitbart ran a story called, “The Sky Only Appears Blue If You’re A Libtarded Cuck.” In it, the author claims that a European doctor has discovered that the sky is actually orange and green polka dotted, but only if you’re “not a libtarded libtard.” Trump now believes with all his heart the sky is orange and has green dots in it.
Without presenting any evidence to back up his claim, this weekend Mr. Trump tweeted that he’d learned about Obama ordering his phones tapped and was outraged. This is an extraordinary moment in American politics, and one that many fear we might not recover from any time soon. Trump’s tweet came at 6:35 AM and was followed in rapid succession by a handful of others, none of which supplied any frame of reference or evidence to prove what he was saying was true.
Terrible! Just found out that Obama had my "wires tapped" in Trump Tower just before the victory. Nothing found. This is McCarthyism!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 4, 2017
Immediately, members of congress on both sides of the aisle perked up and started asking Trump for some proof of his claims. Trump’s Press Secretary however released a statement saying no questions would be fielded by the White House on this subject until congress agreed to investigate Obama’s White House as part of the investigation into Russian collusion with Trump’s administration.
(4/4) Neither the White House nor the President will comment further until such oversight is conducted.
— Sarah Sanders (@PressSec) March 5, 2017
Co-President Trump also indicated that there are other things that have largely been considered common knowledge that he now “rejects or considers highly suspect in the very least” because Obama also believes them.
“Apparently Obama thinks if you drop an apple from a tree, it’ll fall to the ground because of some Muslim voodoo thing called ‘grave-titty’ or whatever,” Trump said, “and clearly that sounds like African mumbo-jumbo we should just ignore completely, right? And he, I guess, thinks that water is wet, but I’ve got a royal — excuse me, presidential — bath scheduled later this evening to test that theory out myself. I don’t trust that un-American, lazy, golf addicted asshole as far as the Herculean muscles on my Adonis-like body could throw him!”
Trump spent fifteen minutes describing all the things he believes Obama lied to the American people about, and after each one told the press he believes the direct opposite. Finally, as the order was signed, Mr. Trump wrapped up the ceremony so he could “go grab a puss or two before lunch.”
“Also, Obama thinks that it’s important to look both ways before crossing the street,” Trump said, “because he’s a big government liberal who thinks the federal government should tell you, the American people, even how to cross the road. Sad.”
On an unrelated note, Trump was struck by a passing car this afternoon. Trump was struck directly in the skull, not doctors say that is the safest possible place for him to be hit because “there is no risk of anything important being damaged in that scenario,” one White House medical staffer told us under condition of anonymity.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.