Always looking to break from the norm, President Trump has announced plans to undergo a groundbreaking medical procedure early this spring. As with any announcement out of the White House these days, the first question to ask is, “Was this Steve Bannon’s idea?”
Steve “The Cannon” Bannon will be playing an integral part, of course. It’s his way to get even closer to our Supreme Leader, taking the “Right Hand Man” concept to new heights.
“It’s not as uncommon as you would think,” Dr. Morgan Schlipps told us during a brief text message interview earlier this week. “In fact, nearly 8% of Fortune 500 CEOs have had the procedure done. My understanding is that Sumner Redstone has two of them.”
Called the “Quato Procedure” it is the most effective, efficient way to control a proxy. What doctors are able to do is to take the “Parasite Specimen,” remove the bottom 2/3rds of that specimen and attach it to the lower abdominal section of the “Host Specimen”. Tiny, weird looking animatronic arms are fused to the “Parasite Specimen”. This is for aesthetic reasons.
To clarify: Steve Bannon is a “Parasite Specimen”. Donald Trump is a “Host Specimen”.
The procedure was inspired by the 1990 Arnold Schwarzenegger/Paul Verhoeven film Total Recall. In that film the leader of the Resistance was a small mutant baby-thing living in the belly button of some unfortunate schmuck. While Trump is currently not the biggest fan of Arnie’s (the worst ratings) he does see the upside of having his most-trusted confidant at arm’s length at all times. [Editor’s Note: Most scientific and medical advancements can be directly attributed to Schwarzenegger films of the 80’s and 90’s. Future article to come.]
While the procedure can sound drastic to the uninitiated, this is not the first time a President has pondered the possibility of having someone glued to their belly. In 2001, George W. Bush and Dick Cheney humored the idea of Quato-ing. Unfortunately their blood types did not match, W. is O-positive while Cheney bleeds Texas Tea. Instead they decided to run around the White House with Dick on Bush’s back. Dick would barkorders exactly as Yoda did with Luke Skywalker.
The Quato Procedure was not the first idea Steve Bannon Donald Trump had to insure he does not have to think at all while sitting in the Oval Office. The duo tried to put Bannon in a hat while pulling on Trump’s hair to guide him through the day but two issues occurred.
- The hat was so large it was obvious a grown man was hiding inside of it.
- Trump’s hair was coming out by the handful.
Dr. Schlipps is not concerned with the dangers of the procedure, having practiced 3 times prior on pigs. “I’m sure you will not be able to see the “Bannon-lump” as long as the President continues to rant from behind podiums. I am not concerned. The only thing I would worry about is that we have a person in charge who seems to get a lot of his ideas from cartoons and science fiction movies.”
Follow David on Twitter @DVDPinson.