ROLLING LAKE, FLORIDA — When he strode up to the podium set upon the stage in front of a popular seafood chain, Co-President Donald Trump looked up and sign a giant banner that read, “Make America Great Again, Again.” He smiled, took a deep snorting, sniffling breath, and spoke.
“Wow, folks, how about this, huh,” Trump said, “I know you’re all really excited to kick off this campaign, having just barely won the last one. And I have to tell you folks, I think we’re gonna do even better this time, oh yeah. I bet I only lose the popular vote by two million, and that my Electoral College margin of victory will go up by, like, 7,000 or whatever it is.”
Later, a reporter would ask Trump how he’d get 7,000 Electoral College vote when there are nowhere near that many available.
“I don’t know, I get given these numbers,” Trump said, fumbling at some papers on his podium, “it’s…you know. Whatever. CAN I GET A FUCKING FRIENDLY REPORTER IN THIS BITCH OR WHAT?”
During the forty minute speech in which Trump veered wildly from the prepared, published speech, he told those watching him speak in front of Fast Fish that he was “truly blown hard” over how much he’d accomplished in his first month in office. Trump said that the American people already agreed that he’d fulfilled the biggest promise of his campaign.
“I have here a poll from the good folks at Alt-Right America,” Trump said, “a totally unbiased company, people. Trust me. My daughter Ivanka and her husband, the guy who gets to fuck my sweet, sweet Ivanka, started it. So you can trust them. Anyway, they did a poll of 2016 Trump voters and found they all agree that I already made America great again. So there you go, 100% agreement that I did it. You’re welcome, too, guys. Really, very welcome.”
Trump said that over the next four years, he’ll spend much of his time crisscrossing the states he won in 2016. He said that since he’d already “done everything” he set out to do in his first term, he’d have “shit loads of time” to campaign.
“Maybe I won’t even lose the popular vote this time,” Trump said hopefully, “it could happen folks. The FAKE NEWS isn’t going to tell you this, but I actually have 200% approval ratings. It’s true. I saw a Breitbart/Fox News poll. It was epic good for me, guys, epic good.”
Reached for comment, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said he’s “fine” with Trump spending his first term campaigning for his second.
“Frankly,” Ryan said, “it’s so much easier to get stuff done when he’s not here. And since he’s a Republican and I’m a Republican, he’s allowed to do stuff I’d lose my mind over if Obama did it. You understand, of course.”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.