HATCHET PEAK, CONNECTICUT — Self-described “conservative libertarian gun rights economist” Kevin Bryan is fuming mad about President Barack Obama’s recently announced executive orders on gun control, and he’s ready to tell his entire town and the people who like his various Facebook pages about it.
On one of his pages, Totes-Biased America, Mr. Bryan posted a message to his followers, decrying the fact that Obama did anything at all about guns.
Let me ask you this, fellow Biased Americans, why is our president doing anything about guns at all? There’s nothing in our Constitution that says the president can do what he did. I mean, other than the specifically prescribed executive powers, but still…SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED! What is so hard for libtards to understand about that? Sure, when the Second Amendment was written it was meant only to be a national defense policy and never about some unending right to infinite numbers of guns, but that doesn’t matter to us, the Biased Americans, because we know what people like John Lott have told us to think about guns and gun control, right?
Well, fuck Obama. I’m not giving him my gun. Even though none of his executive actions have anything to do with confiscation, I’m still going to raise that specter just to add emotion to the argument that I claim only libtarded libtards use. The point is our president shouldn’t do anything that’s not in the Constitution, like ever. It doesn’t matter that we’re almost 240 years out from the time it was drafted, we must adhere to centuries’ old text like religious dogma, or this experiment has failed!
Our staff reached Bryan for comment and asked him what he thinks is unconstitutional about Obama issuing guidance that make guns safer. “Safer for whom, exactly, Comrade Obama,” Mr. Bryan shot back with disdain. “Safer for the kids who keep accidentally finding their parents’ guns and shooting themselves and a loved one with them? Safer for the cops who might be able to more quickly track down a stolen gun because of his executive orders,” he pressed on rhetorically.
“Whatever. He clearly doesn’t know that the American way is to not do anything about guns except to give them to more people,” Bryan declared. He also stated that “doing something about problems leads to solutions” and he asked, “Who the hell said we want a solution, Obummer?” After a pause, he answered his own question, “You know who else had a solution? Hitler. So yeah, Hitler and Obama are pretty much the same person; exactly the same in every single way.”
Bryan did acknowledge, however, that the orders that Obama has issued aren’t massive, sweeping reforms, though he says they’re just as bad as if they were. “Sure, he’s not deleting the Second Amendment, and yeah, I guess technically he’s not even saying anything about the millions and millions of guns already on the streets,” he said before asking, “but does that really mean he’s not actually coming to take my guns away at some point?”
“That’s a paranoid, delusional fever dream I simply cannot ignore,” Bryan said as he tipped his fedora, picked up his copy of “Atlas Shrugged,” and ended the interview.