The Political Garbage Chute’s Do’s and Don’ts For Raping Daesh Soldiers

In response to the terrorist group's fatwa on the proper care and handling of rape victims, TPGC has put together its own guide to raping Daesh terrorists.

Recently, leaders within the Islamic State, or Daesh as they really don’t like to be called, issued a fatwa on the proper ways to rape women and young girls. Apparently, there’s been some confusion within their ranks as to what the exact rules are when it comes time to rape the women and young girls in the cities and villages you are terrorizing, and Daesh’s leadership filled that information void with a directive that includes rape rules like not being allowed to rape both a mother and a daughter in the same family, and other helpful hints like that.

We here at The Political Garbage Chute recognize that while Daesh’s new fatwa will be instructive for its soldiers that are doing the raping, it doesn’t clear up much for the Daesh soldier that’s being raped. We decided to go ahead and fill that information void ourselves. So here now are The Political Garbage Chute’s Do’s and Don’ts for Raping Daesh Soldiers.

Put on “Saved by the Bell: The College Years” in the background

If you’re going to be raping Daesh soldiers, why not add a little psychological terror to the physical pain and violation you are inflicting on them? Sure, maybe raping anyone is bad and stupid and evil and gross and wrong, but if you should find yourself in that all-too-familiar position of actually¬†raping a Daesh soldier, put on “Saved by the Bell: The College Years” in the background. Nothing puts Daesh fighters at ease like Zach Morris and Kelly Kapowski discovering who they are as young adults at a nondescript university.

If you rape a Daesh fighter from one family, you can’t rape his brother or cousin until two rapes from now

Yes, these rape rules can get quite confusing, but this one is absolutely essential to remember. Much like Daesh telling its terrorists it can’t rape a mother and a daughter, it is not acceptable to rape a Daesh fighter once you have raped someone else in his bloodline for two more rapes. Just remember — once every three, you can rape the same family. See? It rhymes.

Rape Daesh terrorists with compassion and without humility

In its fatwa on rape, Daesh tells its soldiers to treat its female captives with “compassion” and to “not humiliate” at them as they are forcibly ramming their penises into the captives’ vaginas. Apparently the rape itself isn’t humiliating as long as the rapist is showing compassion in his rape style. It’s only fair that when you rape a Daesh fighter, then, that you do so with kindness and compassion. Don’t rape with the intent to shame or embarrass, rape with the intent of merely violating their personal space and destroying their feeling of comfort and safety within their own body.

Two people can’t rape the same Daesh terrorist

Hey, if they’re going to be so progressive as to issue an edict that if their soldiers are co-owners of a female slave that neither get to rape her, we can give the same edict here. Fair’s fair.¬†Just like showing compassion to your rape victim, not overly-raping someone is also the more humane way to rape. If you and your friend own the same Daesh terrorist and you both rape him, he might get raped-out too soon, you know?

Fuck Daesh

I just couldn’t write nearly 500 words about this shit without breaking the fourth wall and saying that while I have no problem joking about raping terrorists when they put out a “How To” guide on raping enslaved women, it still makes my taint crawl to live in a world where this piece actually has a solid basis in reality.

More from James Schlarmann